


The Highs and Lows of Functioning

by thesmolestnerd



Series: Autistic!Lexa modern AU [1]
Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anya & Lexa (The 100) Are Siblings, Athlete Lexa, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Lexa, College AU, F/F, Fluff, Gutus is her OT, Hurt/Comfort, I take a different approach to Lexa and her autism, Lincoln is their brother, Med Student Clarke, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Clarke, Self Harm, Shy lexa, Trauma, at some point, but not like cutting, caretaker abuse, clarke starts off a Lexa's caretaker, don't worry the lexa/costia isn't what you're thinking, i hope you guys like it, indra is lexa's mom, lexa is traumatized, like overstimulated autistic self harm, rugby player lexa, self injurious behavior, this fic is kinda strange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-08
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-12-24 04:44:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 25,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12005289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesmolestnerd/pseuds/thesmolestnerd
Summary: Clarke needs a job. After a regression, Lexa needs a caretaker. They should work together perfectly. In reality, it's a lot more complicated than that.orThe one where med student!Clarke gets a job as autistic!Lexa's caretaker after abuse at her last caretaker's hands leaves her totally shattered. Then feelings ensue.





	1. Clarke

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Here's the autistic!Lexa fic I promised. It's not gonna be super heavy the whole time, but I'm planning on making this a slow-ish burn. We'll see. I've been kind of winging it when it comes to planning out my fanfics. I'm trying to make it a different kind of autistic Lexa fic where she has a much harder time processing things. I'm not sure what you guys are gonna think of it. Let me know any feedback you have. Comments and Kudos are super appreciated.

“You’ve taken care of a ton of people before, Clarke,” said Raven. She tossed the flyer on Clarke’s desk and flopped down on her bed. “You’ve been complaining about needing money, and he pay is so great, I’d almost consider doing it.” Clarke smirked, not looking up from her laptop.

“Almost?” she asked. 

“Don’t deflect, Griffin,” Raven said. “And also the kid you’d be babysitting is Lincoln’s sister.” Clarke finally looked up from her laptop.

“Octavia’s boyfriend?”

“Yup,” said Raven. “Those long hours must really be fucking with you. You were there when O was talking about it.” Clarke sighed and ran her hand through her hair. It had been a long few months. With only a semester and a half left until, hopefully, she started her internship. The pressure had been on. And money had been tight. 

“I don’t know, Rae,” she said. “I’ve never like…”

“You helped me out when my leg got messed up,” she said. “You helped me take care of my mom when she would get blackout drunk.”

“There’s a difference between that and taking care of someone with autism,” said Clarke. Raven shrugged. 

“Fine. Don’t do it. I don’t care. But you should think about it. Maybe you can help her,” said Raven. “And God knows how much you like trying to fix people.” Clarke rolled her eyes. “Anyway, I gotta go to the lab. Have fun studying.” Raven limped out the door. 

Clarke looked down at the paper next to her and sighed. She got to her cell phone and dialed.

“Hello, I’m Clarke Griffin calling about the position of caretaker…”  
*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************  
Clarke was surprised to find that Lincoln and his family lived in one of the most beautiful towns in the county of Coalition, Polis. Arkadia University was not a bad school by any stretch, but most people, if they could afford to go somewhere better, they did. Especially, if, like many of the residents of Polis, they were old money. 

She pulled up in front of a more modest house, still large, but no excessively so. She walked up to the door and rang the doorbell twice. The door swung open, and she was greeted by…a very angry looking Asian woman. 

“Hi,” Clarke said.

“We’re not buying anything. Including Jesus.” She started to slam the door.

“Wait,” said Clarke. “I’m here to apply for the job.” The girl stopped shutting the door.

“Mom!” she yelled. “Lexa’s new babysitter’s here!” The girl stepped back. “Come in.” 

The decorations of the house were modest, but Clarke had to admit, it was still really nice. Clarke stepped in. A tall, dark-skinned woman met her almost immediately.

“Hello. My name is Indra Woods. You’re Clarke Griffin?” she asked briskly. Clarke nodded. “Pleasure.” Indra shook her hand firmly. “My eldest son told me you are a friend of Octavia.” Clarke nodded.

“Since middle school,” said Clarke. Indra nodded. 

“Between your credentials and the blessing of Lincoln and Octavia, I’m tempted to hire you outright,” she said. “However, with these kind of credentials, a pre-med from Ark Station and doing your doctorate in Arkadia, you could get a much nicer job.” 

“Not a job with this flexible of hours this close to the university,” said Clarke. Indra raised an eyebrow at her. “But, um, I also…Octavia told me…” She tried to remember what Raven had briefed her on before she had come here. “That Lexa was very sensitive and had a bad experience with her last, um, caretaker. She told me Lincoln would be comfortable if it was someone he knew.” Indra nodded. 

“Hm,” she said. “Let’s see if she likes you.” 

Indra led Clarke through a confusing series of halls into a room painted soft blue. There were lots of blankets strewn about and several stuffed animals on the floor, two of them were headless and one was missing an arm. There was a desk pushed into the far corner. Clarke could just make out a thin pair of shoulders. 

Indra stepped over the clutter and walked over to the shoulders. Clarke followed her. Something crunched under her foot. She froze. Neither Lexa nor Indra even bothered to look over. Indra firmly placed a hand on Lexa’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. Lexa didn’t stop writing. 

“Lexa, look at me please,” said Indra. Lexa didn’t look up. “Lexa, I need to know you’re listening.” Lexa still didn’t look up. “You have to the count of three, then eyes on me.” Lexa started mumbling something Clarke couldn’t hear.

“One…two…three—”

“No!” Lexa yelled. Clarke jumped. Lexa had curled up into a ball, her head between her knees. “No, no, no…” Indra reached over and pulled the hood over her head. She grabbed a blanket off the floor and draped it over her shoulder.

“156…143…130…” Lexa mumbled. Clarke looked at Indra, slightly distressed, but Indra wasn’t looking at her. Lexa was rocking slightly. 

“Deep breaths. It’s okay. It’s okay,” Indra murmured. She turned the desk chair around. “Look at me please…” Lexa slowly raised her head. Clarke was stunned by her eyes. They were a dark green, and they held so much sadness—so much fear. 

Lexa cocked her head to the side. Clarke took a deep breath and approached her. 

“Hi,” she said gently. “I’m Clarke. I’m gonna be your new friend. I’m not gonna hurt you, okay?” Clarke gave Lexa the most genuine smile she could manage. Lexa lifted a hand and pushed her wild mane from her face. 

“Why are you talking to me like that?” she said. Her voice was surprisingly light and airy. “I’m not a baby.” Clarke’s jaw dropped.

“Sorry…I just thought…” Clarke had no clue what to say. Lexa continued to stare at her. Lexa seemed mesmerized by her. Lexa lifted her head from her knees.

“Lexa,” said Indra. She didn’t move. “Would you like Clarke to be your assistant?” Lexa paused. “It’s okay if you don’t.”

“Are you friends with Octavia?” asked Lexa.

“Best friends,” said Clarke. “Since we were kids.” Lexa nodded slowly.

“Then we’re best friends.”


	2. Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa really hates therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much! The response I got to the first chapter was crazy! A hundred kudos in like 14 hours, shit. I didn't think you guys would like my fic so much! As a side note, I am not personally autistic, so if I say something problematic, let me know and I'll fix it. Some, although some are ones I've heard from other autistic kids, of Lexa's habits and "quirks" of autism are based loosely on stuff my autistic cousin does. My cousin has a lot more trouble communicating than Lexa does (as well as other problems), but for the sake of her relationship with Clarke I wanted to make sure that she was able to give clear consent. I also kind of just wrote this on the fly, and only have a vague idea of how this is gonna go, so lemme know if there's anything you would like to see in here, and I'll try to incorporate it. All kudos and comments are super appreciated! You guys are the best!

Lexa hated change. And although a lot of things had changed over the years, one big thing hadn’t. She hated being labeled high-functioning.

“Alright, Lexa,” said Gutus. “I know you can do this. You’ve done it before.” Gustus was Lexa’s favorite OT. He was a big burly man, and he honestly looked ridiculous in the small plastic chair, with his knees rammed under a table only 2 feet off the ground. 

Gutus shook a little pen with a light up monster on the end. 

“You and I both know you can track,” he said. “So prove it to me.” Lexa glanced up at his bemused, if disapproving face and looked back down. She smirked and clicked her tongue. Gutus sighed. “I don’t know why you enjoy torturing me so much. We’re both stuck here until you do what I ask you to do.” Lexa began clicking a pen. “Alright, we’ll waste your mom’s money. I’m sure she’ll be glad to hear you haven’t cooperated. Again.” Lexa bit her lip, trying not to smile. Gutus shook his head.

“If you do this, I’ll let you hide in the spider web for the rest of the session,” he said. Lexa glanced up. “Yeah, I know I said you weren’t allowed to be in there anymore but…” He wiggled his eyebrow. Lexa looked back down at the pen.

“Lexa, can I have the pen, please?” he asked gently. Lexa shook her head.

“No thank you,” she mumbled. “I don’t want to share.” Gutus sighed.

“Good job using your words, but no spider web if you don’t give it to me.” Lexa looked thoughtful for a moment before she pulled her hand from her lap and placed the pen on the table. Gutus picked it up. And Lexa’s eyes followed it. “There you go.” He chuckled. He moved the pen back and forth and up and down a few times. 

“All done, please,” said Lexa. 

“Alright,” said Gutus. He handed the pen back to her. “You can go to the spider web now just be careful of—” Lexa got up and ran out of the room. She pulled off her Vans and pulled her iPhone from her messenger bag. She stopped in front of what looked like two giant book socks hanging from the ceiling. Gutus came up behind her.

“I’m not helping you get in,” he said. “You can do it yourself.” Lexa didn’t respond and climbed into the lower web and rolled in the middle. It hung so low her back brushed up against the floor. She laid back and stretched. 

“Comfy?” asked Gutus.

“Yeah,” said Lexa. He gently started swinging the web back and forth.

“You know the rule. You have to tell me what’s going on,” he said. Lexa closed her eyes. 

“I like my online calculus class,” she said. “All the other students in the class discussion think it’s really hard, but it’s really just theorems like—”

“Okay,” he said. “So you like your online classes. That’s good. What else?” 

“Um…” said Lexa. “Anya got me a new tangle.” She knew that wasn’t what he was talking about. 

“Have you seen Octavia?” he asked. “Didn’t she invite you to one of the Grounders’ rugby practices?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you go? I know how much you miss rugby,” he said. Lexa turned on her side.

“It’s too loud,” she said.

“What about your headphones?”

“Still too loud,” she said. She reached up and clamped her hands over her ears. Gutus pushed in silence for a few minutes.

“I…I have a new aid,” said Lexa.

“Really?” asked Gutus, like he didn’t definitely know.

“Her name is Clarke,” said Lexa, clicking the “k.” “She’s friends with Octavia.”

“That’s good. Does she seem nice?” he said. Lexa dropped her arms from her head and pulled them to her chest. She started clicking her pen. 

“I don’t know. Octavia said so,” she said. 

“What do you think?” he asked. 

“I only spoke with her once,” said Lexa. 

“And?” Lexa shrugged.

“She was talking in a soft voice,” she said.

“And what does that tell you?” he asked. 

“She thinks I’m like a child?” asked Lexa.

“It could be that she was concerned for you,” offered Gutus.

“Why would she be concerned? She doesn’t know me,” said Lexa. They were both quiet for a minute. 

“Your mom told me you were upset when you met her,” he said. 

“I was in the middle of my puzzle,” said Lexa. 

“It’s okay to get out of your routines sometimes, Lexa.” Lexa didn’t say anything. She clicked the pen. They continued in silence for a few minutes. 

“Alright. Time’s up. Your mom is here,” he said. Lexa rolled out from the spider web and landed on a mat on the floor. Gutus stood back as she pushed herself up. “I’m sure Clarke is nice. You said that she’s friends with Octavia. Do you think Octavia would ask some who she thinks wouldn’t respect you to help you?”

“Would she?” asked Lexa, furrowing her brow.

“No.” Lexa pulled on her shoes as Gutus went out in the waiting room to talk to Indra. She closed her eyes. 

“Today went better than last time,” said Gutus. “But she still has a long way to go before she’s as high-functioning as she was.” This is why Lexa hated being labeled high-functioning. Because if she had “fit” then there was a problem. Because if she missed a social cue she was “regressing.” Because if she couldn’t fake being neurotypical then there was no point to her therapy was there? 

Lexa pulled her hood up and closed her eyes. She hadn’t stopped clicking the pen. 

“Lexa,” said Indra. “It’s time to go.” Lexa took a deep breath and got up. Indra was waiting for her by the door, a terse smile on her face.

“I have some errands to run,” she said. “And Lincoln is at school. Anya has work.” Lexa cocked her head. “It won’t take more than a few hours, but I was thinking that maybe this could be a trail run with Clarke.” Lexa froze. Her pen fell out of her hand. And she fell down shortly after it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please keep in mind, I am a "busy" college student, so I dunno how consist the updates will be. I'm gonna aim for at least once or twice a week, but I'm also working on another fic "Numb and Broken." It's posted on here so you should totally check that out if you like my writing style. Feedback is always appreciated.


	3. Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Indra gives Clarke some advice, and Clarke and Lexa's trial run doesn't go exactly according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the positive comments and kudos, dudes! I'm really glad about the positive response this is getting! I decided to split up the trial run into two chapters. As always kudos and comments are super appreciated!

“She’s a little upset about this,” said Indra. Clarke ducked through the kitchen behind her. “She doesn’t like changes in her routines. She used to be fine with new people but…”

“What happened with Lexa’s last caretaker?” Clarke said. Indra was clearly a woman who had mastered speed walking. Clarke was very nearly out of breath. But at this, Indra stopped suddenly. She whirled around.

“You will not bring it up or ask Lexa about it under any circumstances,” she said. “Understand?” Clarke nodded. “He was a very terrible man, and what he did to Lexa…if I had only realized sooner…” She shook her head. “Lexa has had a hard time coming to terms with this, as anyone would. She’s very delicate right now. She needs stability, and she needs a friend.” Clarke nodded. 

“I can do that.”

“Good. This way then,” said Indra. “Honestly, Lexa doesn’t need to be watched very closely, especially when she’s calmer. She needs to be reminded to eat. You said you could cook for her?” Clarke nodded. “She can do simple meals. I don’t like for her to use the stove or oven when I’m not here. She forgets sometimes. She also needs to be reminded to take her medicine. If you don’t see her go to the bathroom or shower, a gentle reminder might be helpful.” Clarke nodded again. 

“She's very independent. You can even do some homework or whatever, once you get to know her. She doesn’t need to much supervision. I used to leave her here alone but...” Indra shook her head. “It doesn’t matter.” They stopped in front of Lexa’s room. “And try to see if you can get her to play catch with her rugby ball with you. She really misses it; she just doesn’t have the energy to anymore.” Before Clarke could ask anything else, Indra opened the door.

“Lexa, Clarke is here.” Lexa was in the same place where she was last time, at the desk. She had her hood pulled over her head. Clarke could hear her clicking a pen. Indra turned to Clarke. “The least traumatic way to her get attention when she doesn’t respond to her name is squeeze her right shoulder.” Least traumatic? Clarke wondered if she really was out of her depths. 

Indra walked over and squeezed Lexa’s shoulder. She carefully pulled down Lexa’s hood and pulled off her headphones. 

“I’m leaving,” she said. Lexa didn’t look away from the paper and pulled her headphones back up. Indra sighed. Indra pulled her headphones back down and said something in her ear that caused her to look up. And once again, Clarke was taken by the color of Lexa’s eyes. 

“Okay,” she said to Indra. 

“Call me if you need me,” Indra said. “I love you.”

“I love you,” said Lexa. She pulled her headphones back on and turned back to her paper. Indra walked past Clarke. 

“Good luck,” she said. Clarke sighed and watched her walk out. 

Clarke stood in her spot for a second before pep talking herself into going and talking to Lexa. She put her hand on Lexa’s shoulder and squeezed it. She felt Lexa flinch slightly under her. She dropped her hand immediately. Lexa, however didn’t remove her headphones. Clarke put her hand on them. Lexa flinched again and finally reached to pull them off.

“What do you want?” Lexa asked. It didn’t sound mean. More surprised. 

“I was hoping we could get to know each other,” said Clarke. 

“No thank you,” said Lexa. At least she was polite. But Clarke was still determined.

“What are you working on?” Clarke asked. 

“Calculus,” she said. Clarke looked over her shoulder to see rows of complex equations and number written in tall, thin handwriting. 

“Those certainly are…numbers,” Clarke said. Lexa finally looked over at her.

“Yes. Calculus is math,” she said, her brows furrowing. “It’s the branch of mathematics that deals with the finding and properties of derivatives and integrals of functions, by methods originally based on the summation of infinitesimal differences.” Clarke nodded.

“Yep. Math. Numbers.” She nodded. Lexa frowned slightly and turned back around. God, Clarke was bad at this.

“Didn’t you used to play rugby with O?” said Clarke. Lexa paused again.

“Yes,” she said. “I enjoyed playing for the Grounders. They weren’t the best team in the league, but Octavia threatened anyone who called me names, so they were nice to me.” Clarke opened and closed her mouth. 

“Oh.” Lexa went back to her math. “Why did you stop playing?” Lexa froze, but didn’t look over.

“I, um, I got sick.” They hadn’t spoken much, but this was the first time that Clarke had heard her falter.

“That sucks. I’m sorry,” said Clarke. Lexa nodded. “When will you be well enough to play again?” Lexa shrugged and went back to writing. Clarke didn’t know what to do. 

“Most people with ASD aren’t savants. I’m not. I just really like math,” said Lexa. 

“What?” asked Clarke.

“The calculus. I’m not a savant. Only 10% of people with ASD are actually savants,” said Lexa. 

“ASD?” asked Clarke. Lexa turned around again.

“It’s what I have,” she said. “Why I’m so…” She made a hand gesture. “Weird.”

“Autism?” said Clarke. “And you’re not weird.

“Autism Spectrum Disorder. And it’s alright. You don’t have to pretend,” she said. “You’re only doing it because Octavia wanted someone she trusts to watch over me.” 

“I also need the cash,” said Clarke. Lexa’s forehead creased in concern. “No. Um, I’m kidding. I’d like to help you. I want to be your friend.” 

“Why?” asked Lexa. 

“Why what?” Clarke said.

“Why do you want to be my friend?” she said. “You don’t know me.” That stumped Clarke. Lexa nodded and turned back around. 

“I wanna get to know you,” said Clarke. “You’re a friend of Octavia. She likes you. I wanna like you too.” Lexa looked like she didn’t believe her. “C’mon. Don’t you want some friends?”

“No,” said Lexa. She turned back around. This was going to be a long day.


	4. Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke makes Lexa feel weird, and Lexa doesn't know what to do about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! As always, thanks for the positive feedback. You all are awesomeauce! A couple people made comments that Clarke was acting a little, well, stupid, and I had her make a passing comment addressing that. But please remember that Clarke's a little nervous. She's never done anything like this before. Also this is Lincoln's little sister. In any event, this chapter's a little slow, Lexa and Clarke trying (trying being the optimal word) to get to know each other. I probably won't be able to update this as frequently during the the week, and next weekend is my college's "family day" and my dad and grandma are gonna be in town, so I dunno how much time I'm gonna have to update this. I'll try to put up two or three chapters this week, but I can only promise one, that should be almost done by the time I post this one. But as always, kudos and comments super appreciated!

“Why not?” asked Clarke. Lexa sighed. She had been in the middle of a complex problem. It wasn’t due for weeks, but she’d much rather do that than anything else.

 

“Please let me work,” she said. She pulled her headphones and hood up. Clarke stood there for a minute before walking away. Lexa wanted to feel relieved. Something inside her didn’t feel right though. She kind of want Clarke back. She shook her head.

 

She kept trying to focus on the problem, but her mind kept drifting to Clarke. She didn’t look at her like other people did. She didn’t know what it meant, but the other people’s looks made her uncomfortable. Clarke made her feel warm. She clicked her pen and spun the desk chair around. She picked up her phone.

_Lexa: Anya, what does it mean when someone makes you feel warm inside?_

 

She put her phone down. She got up and walked over to some shelves. She ran her hand over the spine of some of the books. She closed her eyes. Her phone went off.

 

_Anya: Something happen with Clarke? ;P_

 

_Lexa: No. I mean, maybe. I don’t know._

 

_Anya: I’m just teasing you, Commander. What happened?_

_Lexa: She just makes me feel different._

_Anya: Like Costia?_

_Lexa: Kind of._

_Anya: Be careful Lex._

_Lexa: I know._

 

Lexa put her phone back down on the desk and sighed. She paced back and forth. She hadn’t stopped clicking her pen. She sat back down in her chair and went back to working.

***

She’d been working again for several minutes before her phone went off. She glanced down on it.

 

_Octavia Blake: How’s everything going with Clarke?_

_Lexa: She talks a lot._

_Octavia Blake: Yeah. She means well though. I hope she hasn’t thrown you off too much. I know she can be a little much._

_Lexa: No more than you._

_Octavia Blake: Lexa! How dare you! (I’m kidding ;P)_

 

Lexa shook her head and put her phone down. She glanced down at the time. It was lunch time. She had missed her lunch time. She clicked her pen faster and started rocking back and forth. She’d missed lunch. She’d missed lunch. She’d missed—

 

“Hey.” Clarke was standing by the door. “Your mom told me you like hot dogs.” She put a plate down next to her. “It looked like it was getting late. I figure you could use some food.” Lexa’s rocking slowed. She looked up at the plate. It was one of Lexa’s special plates that separated the food so it wouldn’t touch. Hotdogs were on one spot, chips in the other, and fruits in the last one. Lexa looked up at Clarke.

 

“Indra must have left you very specific instructs,” she said.

 

“Your sister sent me a text…” said Clarke.

 

“What did she say?” asked Lexa, thinking back to her earlier conversation.

 

“Just, um, how to prepare this,” Clarke said. “And what time I should come u and give it to you if you haven’t come down yet.”  Lexa nodded.

 

“Thank you, Clarke.” Clarke nodded and went to go downstairs. Surprising herself, Lexa realized she wanted her to stay.

 

“Um, Clarke,” said Lexa. Clarke stopped.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Um…” Lexa tried to remember all the lessons that Anya had given her on socialization. “So do you attend Arkadia with Octavia?” Clarke smirked.

 

“Yep. We went to Ark Station University High together. And then Ark Station U. She wanted to get her law degree from Arkadia for some reason. She could have definitely done better though. And with her grades she could’ve gotten enough scholarships to cover it to.” Lexa nodded. She knew all of this, of course. Octavia just hadn’t wanted to leave Lincoln for some reason Lexa couldn’t really understand.

 

“What’s your major?” asked Lexa.

 

“Medicine,” said Clarke.

 

“And you didn’t know what ASD was?” she asked.

 

“It’s a newer term. And you threw me off!” said Clarke.

 

“The DSM-5 came out in 2013,” said Lexa. A joke of Anya’s popped in Lexa’s head. “And what did I throw you off of?”

 

“Whatever and it’s an expression,” said Clarke.

 

“An expression of what?” asked Lexa.

 

“Well, like, it’s a…” Clarke looked confused before Lexa cracked a small smile. “You’re messing me with aren’t you.”

 

“Yes. I’m joking. It was a joke.” Lexa’s forehead creased. “Was it funny?” Clarke chucked, and the sound made Lexa’s heart jump.

 

“Yeah, it was pretty funny,” she said. “Unexpected. But funny.”

 

“Anya thinks it’s funny when I do it to people,” said Lexa.

 

“Yeah. I can see that,” said Clarke.

 

“How?” asked Lexa. Clarke shrugged.

 

“She just seems…you know?” said Clarke.

 

“No. I don’t.” Clarke shook her head.

 

“What are you studying?” Clarke said.

 

“Chemical engineering,” said Lexa. Clarke’s eyes went wide.

 

“Damn. That sounds hard,” she said. Lexa shrugged,

 

“Aren’t you going to be a medical doctor?” she said. Clarke shook her head.

 

“Eat your food before it gets cold.” She turned back out and headed down the stairs.

 

Lexa sighed and looked and her food. She began eating it. Fruit first. And every 3 pieces after was a chip. After chip, drink. And then when all the fruit was gone, finish chips. Then when chips were gone, hot dog.

 

After she finished, she glanced over at the clock on her phone. It was time for her work out. She threw her hair up and changed into athletic shorts and her old Grounders t-shirt. She walked downstairs.

 

Clarke was sitting on the couch, the TV was on low, and she had some of her text books out in front of her.

 

“How can you do so many things at once?” said Lexa. Clarke jumped and pulled out an earbud.

 

“Jeez, you scared me. What’s up?” she said.

 

“How can you do so many things at once?” asked Lexa. Clarke shrugged.

 

“I dunno. But lemme tell you, I don’t do any of them very well,” she said.

 

“Then why do you try?” Lexa said. Clarke shrugged.

 

“I like making my life difficult,” she said. Lexa cocked her head to the side. “Are going for a run?” Lexa looked more confused. “You changed clothes.”

 

“There’s a gym downstairs.” Clarke nodded.

 

“Cool.”

 

“I’m going to go down there now,” said Lexa.

 

“Okay,” said Clarke. “Your mom should be back soon. Do you want me to get you when she comes home.”

 

“No thank you.” Lexa pulled open the basement door and disappeared down the stairs.


	5. Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke tries to bond with Lexa. But Lexa's good without the bonding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lord only knows how I managed to churn this out and finish all my homework, but I did. You guys better not get used to it. Octavia makes her first real appearance in this chapter. She's gonna play a bigger part in the next one and so is Anya. I attempted to create a story ark for Clarke involving her and her mom, because I didn't really give her much to do other than help Lexa. It feels a little cliche though. It's gonna be about her being pissed at her mom for marrying Kane. Lemme know if you like it. If not give me suggestions. But not anything too messy. I already have Lexa's ark planned out. There's gonna be a lot of angst. As always, thanks for the feedback.

“How’d it go with Lexa yesterday?” asked Octavia, stealing a fry off of Raven’s plate. Clarke shrugged.

“I start Monday,” she said. 

“That’s good,” said Octavia, ignoring the glare Raven was giving her. “But you don’t sound too enthusiastic. Is the Commander to much for you?”

“No, it’s—Did you just call her the Commander?” asked Clarke. 

“Yeah. The girls on the team gave her that nickname. I got pissed at them for it, but when I explained to Lexa why they were calling her it, she told me she liked it.”

“Why were they calling her it?” asked Clarke. She swiped another of Raven’s fries.

“The short version: she’s a hard-ass who doesn’t understand a joke,” said Octavia. 

“And she liked that?” asked Clarke. Octavia grabbed another fry and shrugged. 

“Would you two stop stealing my food?” demanded Raven. They were sitting in the clocktower cafeteria at Arkadia eating lunch the next day.

“No,” said Octavia. 

“You have your own fries!”

“Don’t care,” said Octavia. She smirked at Raven. Raven rolled her eyes.

“Get a room,” said Clarke. She snatched another of Raven’s fries. Raven’s face went red.

“I—shut up, Griffin,” she said. Clarke shrugged and took a drink. Octavia rolled her eyes.

“Anyway, do you not like Lexa?” asked Octavia. Clarke shook her head.

“No, um, she’s cool. I mean she’s…so authentic, you know,” said Clarke. “I just don’t think she likes me.”

“Lexa doesn’t like anyone at first,” said Octavia. “She hates new things. Just give her time.” Clarke shrugged. 

“If you say so,” she said. Octavia rolled her eyes. 

“Is Clarke sad because she’s not instantly loved?” Octavia mocked. Clarke shoved her.

“Shut up.” Raven and Octavia laughed and hi-fived. 

“She makes me kind of nervous, you know,” said Clarke. “I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing.” 

“She isn’t made of glass, Clarke,” said Octavia. 

“I know but…” Octavia glared at her. 

“She’s badass, Clarke. And she’ll tell you if you piss her off. You’re not going to break her,” said Octavia.

“I know,” said Clarke. “And it’s not like I can quit anyway. I really need the cash.” Now it was Raven’s turn to roll her eyes. 

“What you need it to talk to your mom,” she said. “You can’t never talk to her again just because she moved on from your dad.” Clarke got up.

“Watch me.” She pushed her chair in so hard it bounced off the table and stormed off to class.  
***  
Clarke realized that sometimes the fact that Lexa couldn’t tell when she was upset was a bit of an advantage when she didn’t want to talk about it. Even a day later, she was still steaming about her exchange with Raven. 

Clarke gave Indra a smile and nod on her way out. 

“I’m going be home around five or so,” she said. “I left a list. Call Anya if you have any problems. Lexa’s in a good mood today, so it should be easy.” Clarke nodded. Indra left. 

Clarke found Lexa slumped over on the couch. The TV was on, and sports games was play on mute. Lexa was clicking her pen.

“Hey,” said Clarke. Lexa jumped. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.” Lexa shrugged. 

“It’s okay,” she said automatically. She went back to clicking. Clarke glanced up at the TV.

“This is a Grounders game,” said Clarke. Lexa nodded. “What number are you?”

“Thirteen,” said Lexa. Clarke’s eyes skimmed over the screen, passing over Octavia’s seven before stopping at Lexa.

“You’re a forward?” she asked. Lexa nodded. “Aren’t forwards usually bigger?” Lexa shrugged. She watched on screen as Lexa grabbed the ball from the scrum and plowed through four girls before getting taken down. “I take it back.” Lexa finally turned to face Clarke, her eyebrows creasing. It was kind of endearing.

“Never mind,” said Clarke.

“No.” Lexa’s sounded scared. “I-I wanna know.” Her eyes darted around the room. Clarke knelt down as close to in front of her as she could without scaring Lexa off. Lexa still couldn’t meet her eyes, but they traced the details of Clarke’s face.

“Lexa, I was complementing you. I was saying you were good,” she said. 

“You’re not lying are you, because I-I can’t tell a lot,” Lexa said. Clarke smirked.

“I’m not, Lex,” she said. “Do you trust me?” Lexa almost made eye contact for a split second.

“I was on the Grounders the year they won nationals,” said Lexa. Clarke felt her heart crack a little. She stood up and sat down on the arm of the couch.

“Oh yeah?” Lexa visibly relaxed and nodded. 

“It was the year before Octavia joined,” she said. “The girls said a lot of stuff I didn’t understand. They talked about boys a lot.” Lexa wrinkled her nose, and Clarke couldn’t repress a laugh. Lexa looked over and gave her an odd grin.

“That was funny?”

“Yeah,” said Clarke. “It was funny.” Lexa looked thoughtful for a moment.

“Do you like boys?” Clarke bit back laughter.

“Sometimes,” said Clarke. Lexa nodded and turned back to the TV.

“Why are you watching TV on mute?” asked Clarke.

“Loud,” said Lexa. “Its’…” She trailed off. Clarke watched Lexa yelling on the screen. Even though she couldn’t hear her, she could feel the power Lexa gave off.

“How did you get into rugby?” asked Clarke.

“Anya,” she said, simply. She seemed like she was done talking and Clarke let her be. 

Clarke came back a little later around lunch time. She put the hotdogs and her special plate in front of her.

“Lexa, lunch,” she said. Lexa was too into the game. She had her headphone back on. “Lex.” She stepped in front of the TV.

“No…” whined Lexa. She rubbed her nose with her overlong sleeve. Clarke gestured to her ear. Lexa just stared at her. Clarke sighed and walked over. She pulled off the headphones. 

“Your music must be really loud,” she said.

“What music?” said Lexa. Now it was Clarke’s turn to look confused. “They’re noise cancelling.” 

“Noise cancelling?” asked Clarke. “But I’m the only one here.” 

“Too loud,” said Lexa. 

“What’s too loud?” Lexa looked around the room.

“Everything.” Clarke nodded. She stood there for a second.

“I made your lunch,” she said. Lexa nodded. 

“Thank you,” she said. 

“Do you wanna…do something after lunch?” said Clarke. 

“I was doing something before lunch,” said Lexa.

“I meant do something together,” said Clarke. Lexa looked thoughtful for a second. She picked up a piece of fruit.

“No thank you.”


	6. Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anya drags Lexa to rugby practice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! As always, the comments and kudos are hella appreciated. I tried to make this one longer to make up for not being able to post as often this week. There's more Anya and Lexa interactions ad well as Octavia being a little shit. And plot kinda starts happening towards the end, so here we go... on and **TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM** Lexa does self harm, but it's not like cutting or anything. She just hits her head. I tried to write it respectfully. If I wrote anything problematic, I apologize. Let me know and I'll change it. Remember feedback is always appreciated.

The door opened, and Lexa moaned. 

“Good morning, sunshine,” said Anya. She opened the blinds. 

“No…” said Lexa, from under a mound of blankets, pillows, and stuff animals. Anya walked over and shook what she thought was Lexa’s shoulder. 

“Breakfast,” said Anya. “And then we’re going to Octavia’s practice.”

“No…” whined Lexa. 

“Yep. Up now,” said Anya. She reached through Lexa’s closet.

“No…no thank you. It’s chemistry day.” 

“Yeah. No, it’s not. It’s rugby day,” she said. “Breakfast is all set up like normal. Get up now.” Lex groaned again.

“It’s not rugby day,” said Lexa. “It’s chemistry day.” Anya moved some of the stuff off of her bed and sat down. She reached through the nest and started massaging Lexa’s back with deep pressure. 

“Lex,” said Anya. “I know you don’t like it, but remember what we do when we get overwhelmed with change.”

“That was before,” she said. Anya could feel her shift under the nest. “I c-can’t—” Anya shushed her.

“I’m so sorry, squirt,” she said. “I didn’t mean to work you up. But I promised Octavia we’d come today. It’ll be fun. It’ll be good for you.” She could feel Lexa tremble under her. “Okay. Let’s compromise. We go to practice for an hour and a half and then we come back, and you work on your chemistry for the rest of the day.” 

“No,” said Lexa. “No. No. No. No.” Anya sighed. 

“Okay. It’s okay. We won’t go. We won’t go,” she said, pressing between Lexa’s shoulders. “I’m right here, Lexa. It’s okay. We don’t have to go. We can go back to the routine.”

“I need space, please,” said Lexa. “Space please. Space please.” Anya stepped back from the bed. 

“I’ll be back to check on you in a little while, if you don’t come down.” Anya left and shut the door softly behind her. 

Lexa let the weight of the blanket and pillows on top of her sooth her. Her whole day was thrown off now. Everything was wrong now. It was too much. Everything was messed up. She pressed her hands to her ears and rocked back and forth. It was all wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. 

Lexa’s phone went off, starling her out of her spiral. She snaked her hand out to grab her phone.

Octavia Blake: I’m really excited that you’re coming today. Everyone on the team’s happy to see you. Even Ontari!

Lexa stared at her phone. Making other people happy was good. Right? And rugby was good. Making Octavia and Anya happy was really good. And rugby was really, really good. But…Lexa pressed her face into the pillow. It was too hard. She wanted to stay, and she wanted to go. Staying felt bad and going felt bad and… Lexa buried her head even deeper into the pillow and squeezed her hands into fists. Her nails dug into her hand, and she was almost certain she was going to draw blood. Everything was bad and spinning and…  
***  
Lexa was finishing up her breakfast when Anya walked into the kitchen.

“When are we leaving?” asked Lexa.

“Leaving?” said Anya.

“For rugby,” said Lexa. Anya raised an eyebrow. 

“You sure?” Lexa nodded. “Why did you change your mind?” Lexa opened and closed her mouth and shrugged.

“We can leave in, like, 15 minutes, maybe,” she said. Lexa nodded.

“I’ll be ready.”  
***  
“You came!” Octavia ran over and threw herself at Lexa full force. She knocked the wind out of Lexa and left them both sprawled out on the ground in the middle of the terf field, with the bits of rubber poking them. 

“Hi,” said Lexa lamely. 

“How are you?” asked Octavia. 

“I almost got hit by a car,” said Lexa. Octavia got up off Lexa and sat down next to her.

“Did you just call me a car?” asked Octavia.

“No,” said Anya. “She almost got hit by a literal car. Walked in front of it. Didn’t even notice. This is why you have a babysitter, Lex.” Anya winked at her. “I’m teasing,” she whispered. Lexa bit the inside of her cheek. 

“Woods!” yelled Ontari. “Little Woods!” 

“Wow,” said Anya. “If it isn’t everyone’s favorite asshole.” Ontari punched Anya in the shoulder. 

“How are you both healing up?” asked Harper.

“We’re getting better,” said Anya. “My knee is still giving me problems but that’s what happened when you tear your ACL and MCL.” Lexa stared at the ground in front of her. “And if Lexa won’t answer for herself, she’s doing a little better too.” 

“The team hasn’t been the same without the two of you,” said Octavia. “And I’m not being nice. I really mean that. We suck.” Anya snorted.

“I know,” she said. Ontari scoffed.

“She cries every day, because you’re not here,” said Octavia. 

“The tears never stop,” Ontari deadpanned. Anya rolled her eyes.

“She’s kidding, Commander,” she said. Lexa nodded. 

“Come on guys, what’s the hold up?” Lincoln stopped in front of Anya and Lexa. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Nice to see you too, my beloved brother,” said Anya. 

“Hi,” said Lexa shyly. Lincoln chuckled and put his arm around Lexa’s shoulders.

“Hey, little sis,” he said. He squeezed her and let go.

“Didn’t I tell you guys not to crash my practices?” he said. Her ruffled Lexa’s hair and punched Anya’s shoulder. 

“Your practices?” asked Anya. “Where’s Ryder?”

“He’s coming later,” said Lincoln. “I’m in charge for now.” Anya scoffed. “That means I’m your coach.” He rubbed his head and looked between all the girls. 

“How about you guys run a few laps for me?” he said. Anya snorted.

“In your dreams—” Lexa got up. She looked around at the other girls. 

“Are we going to go?” Lincoln grinned at Anya. 

“This is why I miss when you were on the team,” he said. He turned to the other girls. “That wasn’t a suggestion. And just because your my girlfriend doesn’t mean I’m cutting you any slack, Blake.” The team took off. Lexa following along. 

Lexa had missed running, if she was being honest. She missed playing and she missed being outside. She missed not being overwhelmed by her teammates and the birds and the sound of the crowd and the way the sun kissed her skin…

“Lexa?” Octavia had found Lexa’s spot under the tree. “Are you okay?” Octavia sat down in front of her cross legged. Lexa pressed her face into her knees and shrugged. “You don’t need to actually practice, you know. We can play catch or something.” Lexa didn’t respond. “Or we could just sit here. That’s fine too.” Octavia leaned back and stared up at the tree. “How are you doing?” Lexa shrugged again. “How do you like Clarke? It’s been, what, a week now?” Lexa didn’t respond. Octavia sighed. She got up. When she returned, she had a rugby ball, which she rolled over to Lexa. Lexa peaked her head out. 

“Ball,” she said. Octavia grinned. Lexa reached out and grabbed it. She hugged it to her chest and put her head on the point. She ran her fingers up and down over the surface. Octavia got up and walked back.

“I’m open,” she coaxed. Lexa got to her feet and threw the ball perfectly. Octavia caught it and smiled at her. They went back and forth as Lexa’s shoulders relaxed.

“I like Clarke,” said Lexa after a few minutes of silence. 

“Oh?” asked Octavia. Lexa nodded.

“She disrupts my schedule, but I think she’s trying to be nice. I guess that’s okay,” said Lexa. Octavia chuckled.

“That’s good. That you like her,” said Octavia. Lexa nodded. 

“She…she makes me feel weird,” said Lexa.

“Bad weird?” asked Octavia. Lexa shook her head. 

“I don’t get frustrated when she tries to talk to me sometimes. I want to…be around her, I think,” said Lexa. “Kinda like Costia…”

“Be careful, Lex,” said Octavia.

“That’s what Anya said,” said Lexa. 

“That’s because we care about you,” she said. Lexa nodded. The two of them kept throwing the ball back and forth. 

“Do you wanna go for a pancake lunch after this?” asked Octavia.

“I have chemistry,” said Lexa. Octavia smirked and tucked the ball under her arm.

“And I brought my laptop.”  
***  
Lexa and the rest of the rugby team were tucked into a corner booth. The IHOP had been almost empty when they had come in, so it was quiet enough that Lexa didn’t even need to wear her headphones. She scrolled through parts of the lecture on Octavia’s laptop, working through complex equations on a napkin. Octavia and her were so close that their hips were touching, but for once, Lexa didn’t mind. She was happy. Everyone once in a while, something would clatter ad she would wince and star rocking, but Octavia would just give her a smile.

“You’re doing really good,” she said. “Sometimes even I think this place is too noisy.” Lexa nodded and turned back to her laptop.

“Are you taking senior level classes yet?” joked Harper. 

“No, but I start junior level next semester, and if I do well I can take Masters level over the summer,” Lexa said. Ontari scoffed.

“How are you this athletic and smart? I don’t understand, it’s not fair,” she said. 

“Well, I have to get something to make up for the ASD.” A bell rand from the kitchen, and Lexa winced. Ontari stared at her in shock. Anya was laughing into her hand.

“Did you just make a joke?” asked Ontari.

“Anya has been teaching me,” she said. Anya wiped her eyes.

“Oh my God. That’s great. Oh Lexa, this is why I like you more than Lincoln,” she said. Lexa’s forehead creased.

“Don’t tell Lincoln that,” she said. The girls busted out laughing. Octavia threw her arm around Octavia. Lexa leaned her head on her shoulder. Through Harper’s arms she saw him. Her gut went cold. Her vision tunneled.

“Lexa?” asked Octavia, once she noticed her stiffen. “Is everything okay?” Lexa couldn’t move. She couldn’t breathe. Everything was spinning. She leaned forward and vomited on the table. 

“Shit.” Anya and Octavia switched places. Anya wrapped her arms around Lexa. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Breath for her squirt.” Anya started rocking Lexa back and forth, trying to slow her rocking to a soothing pace. “You’re safe. No one is going to hurt you.” Lexa shook her head. She felt a surge of energy go through her. She leaned back and started smacking her head against the wall.

“No. Shit. Lexa, please.” Anya grabbed Lexa’s neck in a desperate attempt to get her to stop self-harming.

“Someone call Indra,” she said. She looked down at her little sister, who had started pulling on her hair. “Fuck it, call Costia too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thanks for all the comments and feedback, but I don't think I'll be able to do another update until probably Monday night. My family comes in tomorrow evening and I have a ton of homework. I'll try to get it out as soon as I can, but I need to focus on my school work and family for the next few days. But again, thank you guys so much. I'll try to make the chapter as long as I can!


	7. Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke meets Costia and backstory happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter Monday night as promised. Thank you for all the feedback. It's appreciated as always. This chapter is most;y backstory being spoon fed to you, but I wanted you to know this, and I was too lazy to think of a better set of circumstances   
> for Clarke and you to learn this. I'm doing another Clarke and then 3 Lexa chaps in a row for The Plot Thing to happen. I know this chapter isn't as long as I promised but the next 3 or 4 are definitely gonna be longer. Now onto the long awaited intro of Costia...

Clarke slumped down against the wall. She’d agreed to do extra hours in the cadaver lab because it had looked great for her getting the internship placement she wanted. But at this point the formaldehyde was starting to get to her. She rubbed her forehead. All she could think about was Lexa instead of the cadaver she was working on. Lexa’s grin when she watched rugby or talked about math. The cute little crease her forehead did when she got confused…

Clarke pulled of the gloves and washed her hand. As she walked out of Polis University Hospital. She walked out into the hall. And ran smack into—

“Mom?” said Clarke. 

“Clarke.” Abby sounded so relieved. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s none of your business,” said Clarke. Abby ignored her comment.

“How have you been? It’s been so long. Are you eating okay? Do you have enough money?”

“I’m fine, Mom,” she said. “You don’t need worry about me.” 

“Clarke, I’m your mother, of course I worry,” Abby said. Clarke rolled her eyes. 

“Forget it,” Clarke snapped.

“I said I was sorry,” said Abby. “I don’t know what else you want me to do. What happened with Jake wasn’t my—”

“Shut up!” yelled Clarke. “Just leave me alone! You don’t understand, Mom.”

“I don’t know why you won’t let me help you, Clarke,” she said. “You don’t have to be struggling.” Clarke rolled her eyes. 

“I have to go, Mom,” said Clarke. 

“At least tell me how you’re doing,” she said. “I heard you were working with the Woods’.”

“How?” asked Clarke. “God, what will it take to get you out of my life.” She turned on her heels and left.  
***  
Anya opened the door for Clarke the next morning.

“Indra forgot to tell you that we don’t really need you,” said Anya.

“No, let her in.” Clarke tried to see who was speaking, but Anya was blocking the door. “She needs familiarity and routine.” Anya rolled her eyes.

“Whatever you say, Costia. You are the OT,” she said. She kicked the door open and let Clarke in. And there for Clarke to behold, was one of the strangest sights she’d ever seen.

Lexa was wrapped very tightly in a blanket. There was a girl kneeling, straddling, Lexa’s back as she seemingly massaged it. Lexa was wearing a beanie, and it seemed something with underneath it.

“Uh, hi?” said Clarke. The girl, Costia, smiled at her.

“Hi. You must be Clarke. I’m Costia. I’d shake your hand but…” Costia seemed to hit a knot because Lexa let out a low sensual moan. Clarke felt her face go red. Costia didn’t react except to apply more pressure. 

“What…? Who…? Uh…” Clarke stammered. Costia smiled a dazzlingly warm smile. 

“Lexa had a little bit of a hard time earlier, but she’s doing a little better now. Right, Lex?” she asked. Lexa groaned. 

“What happened?” asked Clarke. Costia shook her head.

“Later,” she mouthed. 

“Who are you?” asked Clarke.

“Um, Lexa and I go way back, hm?” she said. Lexa made a small noise that was either one of agreement of pleasure. Clarke couldn’t tell. “I’ve known you longer than Indra.”

“Two weeks,” mumbled Lexa. Costia’s smile became more genuine.

“It was a long two weeks,” she said. Lexa grunted. 

“Head’s cold.” Costia pulled the beanie off to reveal and ice pack pinched between the beanie and her head. 

“Lexa, what happened?” asked Clarke. She could see a knot on the back of Lexa’s head. Lexa pressed her face into her pillow and started squirming.

“Hey, hey, hey…shh…” said Costia. “You’re okay. You don’t have to tell us yet.” Costia threw the ice pack on the table. She went back to rubbing Lexa’s shoulders. “How about you take a nap?”

“I don’t need a nap. I’m not a baby,” Lexa said.

“You worked yourself out pretty good yesterday. I think you need a nap,” she said. Lexa groaned and tried to sit up. 

“Lexa, don’t,” said Clarke. Lexa stopped and stared at her like she was seeing her for the first time.

“Clarke?” she said. Costia looked between the two of them.

“How about Clarke lays with you?” she asked. 

“Clarke,” said Lexa again. She clicked the “k.” Costia got off of Lexa and patted the spot near Lexa on the couch. 

“Uh. Are you sure?” asked Clarke. Lexa nodded.

“Clarke please,” she said. Costia and Clarke switched places. Costia reached over and pulled Lexa on Clarke’s lap. Clarke could swear she saw the corner of Lexa’s mouth curl up, but Lexa rolled over before she could be sure.

“Headphones, please,” said Lexa. Costia handed them to Clarke. Clarke slipped them over her head. Clarke felt Lexa exhale against her knee. Clarke watched Lexa breath out slowly. She wanted to touch her, but she wasn’t sure how. Lexa was delicate right now. Clarke didn’t want to scare her. 

“Squeeze her shoulder,” said Costia. “She likes it.” Clarke put her hand on her shoulder and squeezed it. “She’ll be asleep soon. Then we can talk.” Costia ran her hand through her curly black hair. It sprung back into place. Clarke studied her for a minute. She looked older than Lexa, maybe. Closer to Clarke’s age.

“She’s asleep,” said Costia. 

“What happened?” asked Clarke.

“We don’t know,” said Costia. “She started freaking out at the restaurant. It was really bad. She started self-harming. That’s why she hit her head.” 

“Wait, what?” asked Clarke. “She self-harms?”

“When she gets upset, sometimes she stims so hard she hurts herself accidentally.” Clarke raised an eyebrow.

“Oh,” said Clarke. “But how do you know her?” Costia chuckled.

“That’s a long story,” she said. Clarke nodded.

“And it is…” Costia shook her head. 

“I met Lexa when she was 13ish. I was 17. It was when she was still being bounced from foster home to foster home. She was pretty messed up when I met her. Basically non-verbal. But man, she could scream.” She shook her head. “She would just sit there and doodle. Anya protected her the best she could, but they both ended up in the hospital. I was shadowing Gutus, an OT who was trying to teach Lexa how to function. She didn’t really listen to the OT, but she was mesmerized by me.” Costia sighed. 

“The OT started getting me to teach Lexa how to do things. And she actually listened to me. The paper I wrote about Lexa got me into a six year OT program for almost free,” she said. “But not completely free. When Lexa ended up with Indra, the change made her regress, and I was the only one who could really get through to her other than Anya. So I was Lexa’s caretaker. I sat with her while she did her online class. I helped her with those stupid face flashcards.” Costia shrugged. 

“Her freshman year, Anya and her got into club rugby. And she started doing really good. I was so proud. We were all so proud. Um, but I taught her stuff. Um, about romance. And I guess…she developed feelings for me. Um she tried to…kiss me. I told her we couldn’t do it. I love her but…not like that. I don’t think…I could handle dating her. Especially now.”

“Handle?” said Clarke, raising an eyebrow.

“Have you seen her have a full-blown meltdown yet? Yeah, handle. I know it sounds harsh, but Lexa’s a lot,” she said. Clarke was about to say something when she felt Lexa shift.

“Clarke…” she mumbled. She scooted up and put her face right on Clarke’s boobs. “Soft.” Clarke’s face began to get red. Costia gave Lexa a look. She walked over and squeezed let’s shoulder before pulling off her headphones.

“Lexa, no,” she said. Lexa didn’t move and buried her face even farther into Clarke’s chest.

“Squish,” she muttered. Clarke tried to ignore the heat in her face. Lexa’s hair was so soft. And Clarke had to admit, it was nice having someone touch her boob. Oher than Raven flicking it to get her attention, no one had touched her since…

“Lexa, what did we say about not touching parts of people without their permission?” demanded Costia. Clarke put an arm around Lexa.

“No. She’s okay,” said Clarke. “She’s stressed. I don’t mind.” Clarke could swear she could see a shadow of a smirk on Lexa’s face as she settled back to sleep.


	8. Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke tries to understand Lexa. Understand her more anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments, kudos, and just sticking around. I know it's probably annoying that I'm updating at such a weird schedule after updating everyday or every other day for a while. My roommate's a bitch, and I got my resident hall staff involved and that got really complicated over something something real stupid real quick. Thankfully, she moved out, but that took up a lot of my time, and I do, you know, have actual class work to do instead of this, which sucks. 
> 
> The Plot Thing starts at the end of next chapter. I'm not entirely sure where it's going to go though. I have like a loose plan for the next four-ish chapters (and one of those is a flashback to what happened to Lexa (I'll put a trigger warning before it though 'cause it's gonna be a little graphic [and no she wasn't raped before you guy got worried I would spring that on you. If that was my plan, I would have warned that from the beginning])) and then after that I'm just kinda gonna go with it. So if you get any ideas, especially in like 3 chaps or so I would love to hear them. 
> 
> I know this is a super long note, but honestly love you guys so much and wanted you to know that I am dedicated to seeing this fic through all the way. You guys (and my real life friends) help me keep going when all this sucks. Feedback is, as always, super appreciated.

“Clarke?” asked Lexa. Clarke looked down at Lexa, still laying on her chest. “Would you like to, um, do something together?” Clarke grinned.

 

“Yeah. Of course,” said Clarke. Lexa nodded and put her head back down on her chest. Clarke squeezed Lexa’s arm. “Are you feeling better?” Lexa nodded. “Boy, you really like m boobs, huh?”

 

“Soft,” murmured Lexa. Lexa lifted up her head and looked around. “Where’s Costia?”

 

“She had to go to work. She really wanted to stay…” Lexa nodded and pushed herself up.

 

“You’re holding me,” said Lexa. She reached up and ran her hand over Clarke’s arm.

 

“Yeah, I don’t want you to fall off,” Clarke teased. Lexa didn’t reply. “Is that okay?” Lexa nodded. She slumped against Clarke’s arms.

 

“I saw my former caretaker at the iHop,” she said. “It put me in a…bad place.” Lexa swallowed and started rocking slightly. “He did…bad things.” Clarke put her head in the crook of Lexa’s neck.

 

“It’s okay, Lexa. If you don’t want to talk about it, we don’t have to,” she said.

 

“No, I—” She closed her eyes and struggled with herself for a minute. Clarke could feel her rocking faster, and slowed her down until they were going at a nice even pace. “I wanna tell you.”

 

“Okay,” said Clarke. “Okay, take your time.”

 

“No!” shouted Lexa. “I just—he…” Clarke heard footsteps. She looked over. Anya’s knees hit the floor next to them.

 

“Lex, shh…” said Anya.

 

“No, stop, no. I just—” Lexa gasped. “He tried to cure my autism.” She yanked herself from Clarke’s grasp and threw herself in the coat closet. Anya sighed and rubber her face. She reached over and threw a blanket at Clarke.

 

“Give her this in a few minutes,” said Anya. “Like five minutes or so.” Clarke picked up the weighted blanket. “If you hear any loud noises, get me.”

 

“You’re just going to leave her?” asked Clarke.

 

“Sometimes she just needs some space,” said Anya. She walked back into the kitchen. Clarke watched her go and sat back and sighed. Lexa was…special. And she wanted to get to know her. She wanted to…

 

Clarke got up and walked over to the closet door. She sat down against it. She wanted to say something. She wanted to make it better.

 

“You can’t, you do know that right?” Clarke jumped. Anya had appeared back in the room.

 

“Jesus Christ! You scared the shit out of me!” said Clarke.

 

“You can’t, like, fix her,” said Anya. Clarke furrowed her eyebrows.

 

“Why would I want to fix her?” Clarke asked.

 

“Because everyone does,” Anya said. “They think Lexa’s a broken doll. But she’s not. She doesn’t need to be fixed. Because she’s not broken.” Clarke nodded.

 

“What did Lexa mean when she said that he tried to ‘cure’ her?” she asked. Anya got a faraway look in her eye. She shook her head.

 

“People suck,” said Anya. She clapped Clarke on the shoulder. “Don’t suck.” She started walking away. “And if you do suck, I’ll punch you in the throat.”

 

“Oh,” said Clarke. Everything was honestly so complicated. She wasn’t sure what to do about any of it. Something brushed against her pant leg. She looked down. There was a piece of paper sticking out from under the door. She picked it up.

 

_I’m sorry that I’m such a freak show_.

 

Lexa’s handwriting was tall and spindly, and Clarke couldn’t be helped but be mesmerized by it. She reached over to a desk and grabbed a pen.

 

_You’re not a freak show. You’re you._

 

Clarke slipped the note back under the door. There was some scribbling. The edge of the paper was tucked under the door, folded perfectly with the corners matching right up.

 

_Of course, I’m me. Who else I would be?_

 

Clarke sighed.

 

_Lexa, when I said you were you, I meant that your personality is uniquely you. And there’s nothing wrong with it._

 

Clarke slipped the note back under the doLexa oor. There was a long pause. The door cracked open.

 

“Clarke?” asked Lexa quietly.

 

“Hi,” said Clarke. Lexa’s eyes scanned over her.

 

“Do you really like me?” asked Lexa. “I-I can’t tell.” Clarke smiled at her.

 

“I like you, Lexa. I want to be your friend,” said Clarke.  She tried to ignore the nagging part of her brain that adored Lexa in a way that didn’t quite feel like friendship. Lexa stared at her. And for a moment their eyes met. Lexa nodded.

 

“I want…do you want to…go out?” stammered Lexa. Clarke raised an eyebrow. Lexa looked away and started rocking s little bit. “I’m sorry I—”

 

“Of course, Lexa,” said Clarke. She offered Lexa her weighted blanket. “I would be honored.” She smirked. Relief filled Lexa’s face.

 

“Thank you,” she said. Clarke laughed.

 

“Of course.”

***

Lexa pulled her hood more securely around her head.

 

“Are you still okay?” asked Clarke. Lexa didn’t answer. “Right. Headphones.”

 

It was a weekday afternoon in the middle of fall, so the mall was pretty empty. Still, Lexa looked on the verge of a panic attack. Clarke felt she should have insisted they waited.

 

Clarke heard the car about a second before it was too late. She grabbed Lexa’s hand and yanked her back. Lexa flinched so violently Clarke winced. The driver blasted on his horn.

 

“Watch out, asshole!” Clarke yelled. She turned over to Lexa. “Hey, it’s okay.” Lexa reached up with a shaky hand and pulled off her headphones.

 

“W-what happened?” she asked.

 

“You almost got hit by a car,” said Clarke. “But it’s okay. I’m sorry I grabbed you.” Lexa looked down at their still intertwined hands. “Oh, sorry, I’ll—” Lexa looked at Clarke sadly, halting Clarke. She squeezed Lexa’s hand. “C’mon, let’s go inside.”

 

Lexa basically dragged Clarke through the mall to get to the V-Stock. Once they got in there, Lexa ran straight over to the PS4 games and ran her hand over the spines of all the games one at a time.

 

“I didn’t know you were into gaming,” said Clarke. Lexa nodded.

 

“I like stories…and the analogue sticks feel nice,” said Lexa. Her face went a little red.

 

“It’s called stimming, right?” Lexa nodded.

 

“It…feels good, you know?” she said. Clarke nodded.

 

“Can I ask you…why the pen?” Lexa looked at the pen sticking out from her hoodie pocket.

 

“Indra signed the adoption papers with it,” said Lexa quietly. Clarke’s face broke into a grin.

 

“That’s sweet,” she said. Lexa furrowed her eyebrows. Clarke squeezed her hand. “I think it’s nice you like to carry around a reminder of her.” Lexa nodded.

 

“She says the 3 best days of her life were the day she adopted Lincoln, the day she adopted Anya and me, and the first time I talked to her on my own,” said Lexa, still looking at the pen. “I think those were good days too.” Without thinking, Clarke pushed a strand of hair from Lexa’s face. Lexa looked up sat her. She didn’t look startled, only curious. Clarke cleared her throat.

 

“I’m supposed to ask something about you now, right?” asked Lexa. Clarke snorted.

 

“If you want.” Lexa nodded thoughtfully and went back to the games.

 

“What about your family?” she asked.

 

“Octavia and Raven are my family,” said Clarke. Lexa nodded, like she understood. “My dad died when I was 15. My mom and I aren’t really…close.” Lexa nodded but stopped mid-nod.

 

“I’m sorry,” she said automatically. She looked a little annoyed. “Is there a word for more than sorry?” Clarke chuckled.

 

“Sorry is enough.” Lexa made split second eye contact.

 

“No, it’s not.” Clarke suddenly felt her face heat up.

 

“Um…I saw something I wanted to look at,” she said. “I’ll meet you back here in 15 minutes, okay?” Lexa nodded. “And no noise cancelling headphones, okay?” Lexa nodded again. Clarke squeezed her hand and walked out of the V-Stock, trying to remember where she had seen the figit cubes.


	9. Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa hang and do things together for platonic reasons and things are really cute until The Plot Thing happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are just too much! Thanks for all the positive feedback and all the suggestions. I incorporated a couple into this one. I tried to make this one longer since it's been a while. I'm going to aim for twice a week updates, but honestly, we'll see. I hope this chapter doesn't sound too choppy. There were a lot of things I wanted to happen, but I wasn't sure how to transition them. Also I apologize for all the grammar mistakes I know are in here. Feedback is always appreciated.

Lexa smiled and looked through the video games. She liked video games and order. They were all organized alphabetically, and it just felt…nice.

“Hey, Lexa.” Lexa recognized the voice.

“Hello, Monty,” she said. Monty jumped over the counter and walked over to her.

“How’s my favorite customer?” he asked.

“I don’t know. How are they?” said Lexa.

“Lexa, it’s you,” said Monty. Lexa furrowed her eyebrows.

“Am I really your favorite customer? I hardly ever buy anything,” she said. Monty chuckled.

“It’s an expression,” he said. “Like a figure of speech.” She nodded.

“Oh,” she said. She went back to the beginning of the row and ran her hand across the games.

“So how have you been? Harper told me you were at practice again,” he said. Lexa didn’t answer. She started counting off by 13s and pulled out every 13th game. Monty nodded. “Right. You don’t like to talk when you do your…thing.”

“What the hell is she doing?” Another tall guy slid over the desk.

“Finn, leave her alone,” said Monty. Finn stepped closer and waved a hand in front of her face. Lexa didn’t stop.

“Is she a retard or something?” asked Finn. “Can you hear me?”

“Dude, leave her alone,” said Monty. Finn reached over and grabbed Lexa’s wrist. Lexa froze.

“Let go please,” said Lexa.

“So you can talk,” he said. “What’s your name, sweetheart?” He was talking ridiculously slow.

“Lexa?” said Lexa.

“Was that a question?” asked Finn. “Do you know your own name?” He snorted.

“Of course, I know my name,” said Lexa.

“Of course, you do,” he said. He gave her a dumb smile. She looked over at Monty.

“Monty…” she began.

“Aw, she’s asking for you,” said Finn. Lexa creased her eyebrows.

“What are you talking about?” asked Lexa.

“What am I talking about?” asked Finn. His voice got oddly high pitched.

“Stop doing that,” said Lexa.

“Stop doing that,” Finn mimicked. Lexa’s hand twitched and she started pulling on her shirt.

“Leave—leave me alone, please,” she said.

“Leave me alone,” he mimicked again. He backed her into a shelf.

“Stop,” she said.

“Knock it off,” said Monty weakly. Finn snorted and grabbed Lexa’s wrist.

“Stop,” said Lexa. Finn leaned in. “Too close. Please stop.” Finn grabbed one of Lexa’s breasts. “St-top.”

“Hey!” Relief flushed through Lexa. Clarke. Clarke shoved Finn over roughly. “Don’t fucking touch her.”  
Lexa fell into Clarke’s arms. Clarke immediately squeezed her back.

“Hey…shh…” murmured Clarke. “It’s okay.”

“Are you her babysitter?” asked Finn.

“Are you a sick fuck?” asked Clarke. “What the hell were you doing?”

“I was just having some fun,” said Finn.

“No, you weren’t. Stay the hell away from her,” she said. “C’mon, Lexa,” She stepped back and grabbed Lexa’s hand, pulling her from the store. They stopped in the sitting area, and Clarke sat her down. She knelt in front of her.

“Hey there, baby,” said Clarke. “How do you feel?” Lexa started rocking.

“I didn’t…I didn’t…156…143…130…” said Lexa. Lexa was staring to get frustrated with herself.

“Hey, shh…you’re okay,” said Clarke. “What do you need?”

“117…104…91…” muttered Lexa, rocking back and forth. She wasn’t done counting the games. She didn’t get to finish counting the games.

“Lexa, hey, I have something for you,” said Clarke. “Hey, look.” She pulled a small box out of a bag Lexa hadn’t noticed. “Look, it’s a new stim toy.” Clarke yanked open the box. She offered it to Lexa. Lexa kept rocking, but she stared at it. “You can take it.” Lexa looked up at Clarke. She reached over and grabbed the toy. “It’s a fidget cube. You can just press the buttons and flip the switches.” Lexa slowly clicked the switch back and forth. She looked up at Clarke.

“Thank you,” she whispered.  
***  
“Lexa, if you don’t stop clicking that damn switch,” muttered Anya.  
“Hey,” warned Lincoln. 

“The pen never bothered you,” said Lexa.

“Yeah, well, I’m used to the pen. I’m not used to this,” said Anya. Lexa lifted up her hand.

“It’s called a fidget cube. Clarke got it for me,” she said, grinning. 

“As you’ve already said five times…” muttered Anya, stabbing her steak. It was dinner time, and Indra had left the three Woods kids alone for dinner. 

“It’s nice that Clarke got you something that fits your interests,” Lincoln said. “May I?” Lexa dropped it in his open hand. He flipped it around. “It’s Grounders colors too. Black and green.” 

“Oh my God, Linc, don’t encourage her,” she said. 

“Whatever do you mean, my dear sister?” he said. He handed the cube back to Lexa. She immeaditely started flipping the switch. Anya groaned. 

“You don’t like Clarke, said Lexa. She cocked her head sideways. “Why don’t you like Clarke?” Anya sighed.

“I’m just worried this is gonna end like what happened with Costia…” Lincoln gave her a look and shook his head.

“It’s unfortunate what happened with Costia, but a little crush is harmless. Lexa deserves love too,” he said. “I like Clarke. She’s Octavia’s best friend. If Lexa wants to peruse her, why not?”

“Indra’s not going to like it,” said Anya. 

“Since when have any of us ever based our decisions on what out poor mother would want?” he asked. They were all quiet. He lifted up his fork. “My point exactly.”

“Fuck off,” said Anya. Lincoln shrugged. Lexa looked between them.

“So do you think I should ask Clarke out?” said Lexa. “I kind of want to touch her boobs again. They’re squishy.” Lincoln and Anya both choked and Anya sprayed soda all over the table. 

“Don’t touch her boobs without permission,” said Lincoln, who recovered first. “That’s…what did your OT call it? A social boo-boo. Don’t do that.”

“Too late,” said Anya, wiping her face with a napkin. “When she was having her meltdown she decided Clarke’s chest made a good pillow.” She turned back to Lexa. “You know that you aren’t supposed to do things like that.” Lexa shrugged. 

“Worth it.”  
***  
Lexa checked herself over in the mirror. She had picked out skinny jeans, even though she hated jeans. They itched and were too tight. And she had flannel and a tank top that showed off her cleavage. She was going to ask Clarke on a date. Maybe not a date date, as Anya would say, but something. Lexa turned to the door, but at the last second remembered to grab her hoodie with her fidget cube in the pocket. 

Lexa fell into her chair in her work room right as the door opened.

“Hello, Clarke,” she said. Clarke smiled.

“Hey, Lexa,” she said. Clarke’s cheeks went a little red. 

“Why is your face like that?” Clarke shook her head. 

“It’s nothing,” she said. Lexa cocked her head sideways. And Clarke’s face got redder.

“Nothing?” asked Lexa. Clarke shook her head. 

“I, um, I like your shirt,” she said. 

“Oh,” said Lexa. She put her hand in her pocket and started flipping the switch of the fidget cube. 

“You like it? The fidget cube?” asked Clarke. Lexa pulled it out of her pocket. 

“Yeah…” Lexa dropped her hand to her side. “Um, I was wondering if we could…go somewhere?” Clarke broke into a grin. 

“Do you have something in mind?” said Clarke. 

“There’s a park…” said Lexa. “Um…it’s down the street. We can walk there. I can show you.” Clarke raised an eyebrow. “Or not, I mean…if you don’t want to…”

“No, of course I want to Lexa,” she said. I just didn’t think you would be up for it,” she said. “You’ve had a lot of stress lately. I figured that you’d want to take it easy.”

“Being with you is easy,” said Lexa. Clarke broke out into a grin.

“I’m glad,” she said. Lexa’s face went red, and she looked down.

“So where is this park?” asked Clarke.  
***  
“Lexa, slow down!” said Clarke. Lexa had run out in front of Clarke, holding her rugby ball to her chest. She glanced over her shoulder and threw it at Clarke. The ball bounced off Clarke’s hand. 

“I’m not very athletic…” said Clarke. 

“You don’t need to be athletic,” said Lexa. “You just need to catch it.” Clarke picked up the ball.

“That means I need to be athletic,” said Clarke. Lexa rolled her eyes. Clarke picked up the ball and tossed it to Lexa. It flew way to Lexa’s left. Lexa stared at the ball, She reached over and picked it up.

“You’re throwing it wrong,” said Lexa. She walked over to Clarke. She handed the ball back to Clarke. “You have to hold it like this…” Lexa moved Clarke’s fingers over. Lexa looked up. She didn’t realize how close they were. “I’m very close to you.” Clarke snorted. Lexa’s eyebrows creased. “Is that okay?” Clarke smiled at her again.

“Of course,” said Clarke.

“It’s just…I can’t tell…” said Lexa. 

“It’s okay,” said Clarke. “Show me how to throw this.” Lexa shook her head. She reached over and walked behind Clarke. She tilted back Clarke’s elbow. Lexa was breathing on Clarke’s neck, making her face get all hot. Clarke tried not to shift. 

“So you grip it and…” Lexa and Clarke threw the ball. It soared through the air and landed by a car in the parking lot. Lexa nodded.

“I did it!” Clarke said. She threw her arm around Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa smiled.

“That’s good, but um, you know that during rugby you don’t actually throw the ball forward…” she said. Clarke rolled her eyes and let go of Lexa.

“Don’t ruin my fun,” she said. Lexa frowned. “I’m kidding.” Lexa nodded. 

“Oh…” They stood in front of each other. They were so close. Lexa couldn’t take her eyes from Clarke’s lips. She leaned in. Clarke’s eyes met Lexa’s briefly. 

“I’ll get the ball,” said Clarke. She walked off to the parking lot. Anxiety started creeping up in Lexa. Did Clarke not like her? Why didn’t she move in? Clarke’s been nice, hadn’t she? And when people are nice that’s because they like you?

“Lexa!” Lexa was too wrapped up in herself to notice that ball that flew up over her head. She watched it land in the middle of the road.

“I’ll get it,” said Lexa. 

“Wait!” called Clarke. Lexa didn’t listen. She walked over into the road. How could she be so stupid to think that Clarke could like her? She was just a weird kid who couldn’t stop rocking back and forth. And Clarke…Clarke was everything. The sun and the moon and—

“Lexa!” Clarke screamed. Lexa looked up right in time to see a car driving at her. She froze. It hit her. Something hit her. No. Wait. Something shoved her. Lexa hit the ground. Right as Clarke took the brunt force of the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry


	10. Lexa--flashback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's caretaker tried to "cure" her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the kudos and comments. MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING FOR REALLY GRAPHIC ABUSE. You can skip this chapter and you won't miss knowing what happens to Lexa. Eventually she does tell Clarke.
> 
> What Lexa's caretaker did to her is awful beyond words. When I found out that this was a thing that people were doing to people with autism I was horrified. And I still am. I hope to write this in a respectful manor. I don't want to trigger anyone or make it seem like this is "good drama." I wanted to write this to make a point. No one deserves to be treated this way. I want all my reader, especially ones who are neurotypical or not autistic to realize how horrible this is. I'm putting some links to real news stories in the bottom notes and if you're curious to read more, then do so (there's also a petition in there). I also upped the rating, because I, again, want to make a point, not hurt anyone. If you want to know any particulars or have any concerns, please comment or message me.

“Lexa,” said Octavia. “You don’t look too good.” Lexa blinked and swayed back and forth a little on the bench. The Grounders were losing regionals. But Lexa couldn’t focus on that. 

“I don’t feel good,” she said. Granted, she hadn’t felt good once since Jason started her treatments. She crossed her arms over her stomach.

“It’s good you’re not playing,” offered Octavia. Lexa leaned over and vomited on the turf. “Woah. I’m getting Coach.” 

“No…” But Anya was already next to her.

“Okay, squirt,” she said. “Let’s go home. You look like you could use a nap.” Lexa shook her head.

“No…it’s game time,” she said.

“Lexa, you’re sick. Ryder will understand. The team won’t be mad at you. You haven’t been feeling good for a while now,” said Anya. Lexa blinked back tears.

“It’s not fair…” she said. Anya smiled sadly.

“No, it’s not,” she said. “C’mon. Can you stand?” Lexa nodded, and Anya pulled her up from under her armpit. She turned to Octavia. “Tell Ryder what happened.” Octavia nodded.

“I’ll text you later, Lexa. Feel better soon,” she said. Lexa nodded and tucked her head into Anya’s neck. They walked out to the parking lot. 

“We’re talking you to the doctor next week. This is ridiculous,” said Anya. Lexa shook her head.

“Aw, c’mon, you like Dr. Kane,” she said. Lexa shook her head again. 

“Jason said I’m fine,” she muttered. 

“Jason is kind of a dumbass,” said Anya. “I dunno why Indra keeps him around.” 

“He’s helping me…” said Lexa.

“If you say so,” said Anya. She helped Lexa into the front seat. 

The ride home was quiet, and Lexa was in the odd space between being awake and asleep. She clicked her pen and rolled it between her hands. 

“Would you like me to stay with you?” asked Anya.

“You have class,” said Lexa.

“Yeah and you’re really sick,” said Anya.

“You staying here won’t make me not sick,” said Lexa. 

“No but it might make you feel better,” she said. She gave Lexa a soft smile. “Aren’t I better company than Jason?”

“Costia said she could come over,” murmured Lexa. Anya nudged Lexa’s knee.

“I’m definitely better company than Costia,” she said. Lexa didn’t respond. Anya pulled out her phone and dialed.

“Hey, Costia,” she said. “The Commander isn’t feeling too great. Could you stay with her while I go to class?” Anya paused. “Alright. Thanks.” She turned to look over at Lexa, who was watching her through half-lidded eyes. “Happy?” Lexa closed her eyes.

Costia was waiting for them outside when Anya pulled in.

“Hey,” she said. “How are you feeling, Lex?” Lexa groaned.

“Bad.” Lexa leaned out the car door and started dry heaving. Costia sighed and squeezed her shoulder. 

“I don’t know how you’re throwing up so much. You’ve barely been eating,” said Anya. Lexa lifted up her head. 

“I don’t feel good,” she said. Anya knelt down in front of her. She pulled a stray strand of hair from her face. 

“Do you want to go to the ER now?” asked Anya. Lexa stopped dry heaving long enough to shake her head. “No? Okay. If you don’t feel better by the time Indra gets home, she’s taking you, okay?” 

“No,” said Lexa. Anya kissed the top of her head. 

“Go inside with Costia. I’ll see you later,” she said. Lexa dragged herself to her feet. Costia lead her inside and sat her on the couch. She wrapped Lexa up in a blanket and put a glass of ginger ale in front of her. 

“You need to drink, baby. Don’t get dehydrated,” she said. Lexa looked up at her and shook her head. “Okay. Not now. Later though.” She pulled Lexa’s head onto her lap. She pulled out Lexa’s ponytail and began braiding her hair. “Is this okay?” Lexa nodded. “Good. Just relax.” Lexa nuzzled her face into Costia’s thigh. “Hey there, you, watch where you put that.” Lexa clicked her tongue. “And hold your head still…” 

Costia and Lexa sat there in silence for a while. All the love and attention that Costia was giving her left her feeling warm. A good kind of warm. It made her feel like there was an odd pull. She had to be with Costia. She had to be…

“I love you,” said Lexa. Costia didn’t say anything. “I think I wanna kiss you.” 

“Lexa…” said Costia. Lexa’s face fell. 

“You don’t love me?” asked Lexa. Her lip trembled. She felt like she was going to be sick again. 

“Of course, I love you,” said Costia. “Just not…like that.” Lexa sat up and ignored the sway of your room. 

“W-what?”

“Lexa, I care for you a lot but…I’m one of your therapists…that’s not really ethical,” said Costia. Lexa stared at her. 

“You think I’m a child…just like everyone else…” said Lexa. Tears started dripped down her face. She swiped at them before Costia could try. “You just…I just…” Lexa started rubbed her arms. 

“Lexa, I don’t think I should be here right now,” said Costia. “It’s not like that. And I’m sorry. But I’m going to call Jason, and I’m going to go.” Costia left the room, and Lexa threw herself face forward into the couch and screamed into the pillow. Costia didn’t like her. Costia thought she needed to be coddled because she was weak and stupid, just like everyone else. 

Lexa didn’t pick her head up when Jason arrived. She just kept rubbing her arms. They hurt now, but she didn’t care. She couldn’t play rugby. She didn’t have Costia. Why bother?

“Quiet hands, Lexa.” Lexa didn’t stop. “I said quiet hands…” Lexa didn’t stop.

“Lexa, if you don’t cooperate, we’re going to have to up the treatment.” Lexa sprang up, furiously wiping the tears from her eyes.

“Fuck the treatment! It’s not making me better; it’s making me worse. I’m sick,” she said. 

“That’s just a side effect,” he said calmly, as he began setting up the equipment. “That means its working.”

“Bullshit,” said Lexa. 

“Like I told you before, the chlorine dioxin gets into your blood—”

“That doesn’t make any sense!” yelled Lexa. Jason smiled.

“Of course, it doesn’t. There’s something wrong with your brain.” Lexa sat back on the couch. Jason attacked the enema nozzle to the bag. “Don’t you want Costia to love you? If you take this, you’ll be normal. You won’t be a burden anymore.” Lexa sniffled and nodded. 

“Okay.” Jason smiled. 

“That’s a good girl. Roll over for me please.” Lexa rolled on her side, and Jason pulled down her pant. Lexa knew this wasn’t right, but Jason…he was just trying to help her, wasn’t he? She felt some cold and some pressure. She squeezed her eyes shut.

It hurt worse than Lexa remembered. And it was more humiliating too.

“Stop,” she said. 

“I can’t stop now,” he said. “Then this would all be for nothing.” The burning made her eyes water and her head spin. 

“I’m going to throw up,” she said. He pushed a bin under her chin.

“That’s good. That means it’s working.” Lexa couldn’t take it. She didn’t remember how she did it the other dozens of times.

The front door opened.

“Hey, Costia, you’re off the hook. MY dumbass professor forgot to send an email he canceled class—what the fuck are you doing to my sister?!” Lexa hadn’t been this relieved to see Anya since they had gotten out of foster care.

“I’m just giving her a—”

“Are you molesting her, you fucking freakshow?” demanded Anya. She shoved him. “Is that why she talks about you so weird?”

“No. I’m curing her.” Anya picked him up and shoved him against the wall. 

“There’s nothing to cure, you fuckwad,” said Anya. “There’s nothing wrong with her.”

“I’m a burden to you,” said Lexa quietly. 

“Is that what you’ve been telling her?” said Anya. There was a satisfying thud as her fist made contact with his face. He fell to the ground. She began kicking him.

“Lexa is not a burden,” she said in between kicks. “She’s my sister and awesome and she is worth so much more than you , you piece of shit.” She walked over and pulled the nozzle out of Lexa. The bleach dripped out and down the couch. Lexa burst into tears.

“Shh…you’re okay,” said Anya. She looked over. “Lexa, you’re, um, bleeding.” She pulled up Lexa’s pants. “I’m gonna call Indra and Dr. K and they’re gonna meet us at the hospital, okay?” Lexa sobbed harder.

“No, no, no, no, no, no,” she said over and over again, rubbing her arms and rocking back and forth. Anya looked over at Jason. 

“You have five seconds to get out of my house,” she said. Jason limped out before Anya could even start counting.  
***  
By the time they got to the hospital, Lexa was almost completely catatonic. Anya picked her up and brought her to the reception desk. Dr. Kane was standing there waiting for them. 

“Indra and Lincoln are on their way but…” Dr. Kane nodded. “I don’t know what he did to her, but it looks really bad.” He nodded again.

“I have a private exam room set aside already,” he said. “And I have the stim bucket in there.” He gave Lexa a smile. “Let’s see what’s wrong, okay?” Lexa buried her face in Anya’s shirt. He lead them down a corridor and had Anya put her down on a gurney. Kane washed his hands and put on some gloves. He plopped down in a stool next to Lexa.

“Can you tell me what happened, Lexa?” he asked. She opened and closed her mouth and clicked her tongue. Kane rolled over to a basket. “How do you feel about tangles?” He picked up the toy and offered it to her. “Do you wanna try it? You know you can’t scratch yourself like that.” Lexa flexed her hand. “Lexa, can you let me know you’re listening?” Lexa glanced up at him. “Good, thank you. Now tangle or no?” Lexa shook her head. “Okay, good. How about?” He pulled out a stress ball and put it in the offending hand. “Good?” She looked down at it and nodded. 

“Alright,” he said. “Now, can I do some regular doctor stuff? Nothing scary, just vitals?” Lexa didn’t respond. Kane grabbed a blood pressure cuff. “Can I have your arm, please?” Lexa didn’t respond. Kane reached over and grabbed Lexa’s arm. Lexa flinched, but she let him adjust it. She rolled the ball in her hand. He finished taking her vitals with no big fan fair. Anya kept looking between Kane and Lexa. 

“Lexa, can you lean back for me,” said Kane. Lexa didn’t move. “Lexa, lean back please.” Anya pushed back Lexa’s shoulder. She fell against the bed. Kane touched Lexa’s abdomen. She flinched back. 

“No,” she sobbed. 

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” said Kane. The door swung open. Indra came barreling in.

“Lexa,” she said. “What’s wrong?” Lexa stared her blankly. Indra squeezed her shoulder. “You’ll be okay, alright? My strong, brave warrior.” She kissed her forehead. 

“May I talk to you outside?” asked Kane. Indra nodded. They left. 

Anya ran her hand through Lexa’s hair. She started humming. Lexa’s eyes felt heavy and slowly they started to close…  
***  
“What do you mean bleach?” asked Indra. Lexa was barely awake, but she could hear Indra’s shrill voice at the edge of her consciousness. 

“That’s essentially what it is,” said Kane. Lexa curled up a little. It was too loud. “They call it Miracle Mineral Solution. It’s crap. It’s bleach. They’re selling bleach as a cure for autism. Amongst other things. The police would like to speak with her. I’m trying to hold them off until she heals a little. The internal burning is…extensive. I was reading up, and there were cases where it damaged the colon so badly that the kid needed a colostomy.” 

“God,” said Indra. “How could I miss this? She tells Anya or me everything. Even things we quite frankly don’t want to know. How could she not tell us this? Oh God, did he tell her I wanted to do this to her?”

“Indra,” said Lincoln. “Lex’s waking up.” Lexa moved around again. Indra squeezed her shoulder.

“Go back to sleep, love. Take as long as you need…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.huffingtonpost.com/todd-drezner/autism-cure_b_1588498.html
> 
> https://www.change.org/p/no-bleach-enemas-to-cure-autism-in-children
> 
> https://www.autism.com/statement_mms
> 
> http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-london-33079776
> 
> https://www.forbes.com/sites/emilywillingham/2016/03/11/autism-parents-still-buying-into-bleach-cure-from-self-described-space-alien-god/#74dac9cc2b12


	11. Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa really needs a hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger. And the stalling. Here's the resolution. Sort of. Sorry for all the angst. Anyway, all the comments were appreciated. We'll check in on Clarke in the next chapter, and they'll reunite at the end of it. I'm not really entirely sure what I'm doing from this point forward. I think I want the plot to be about Lexa getting justice and healing. If you guys have any suggestions, I'm super open to them (within reason).

Lexa wasn’t really sure what was going on. At some point, her brain had just stopped process just about everything. The next time she really knew what was going on, she was on a gurney in a loud ER. Her head pounded and her arm hurt, and it was all together too much. Everything was spinning, and she felt hot and cold at the same time. And…and…and—

Lexa vomited over the side of the gurney. She leaned back and closed her eyes. 

“You’re alright, sweetheart.” Lexa grimaced. The voice was too loud. A rough cloth wiped her mouth. Lexa flinched away. The lady shushed her. “You’re okay. Open your eyes for me.” Lexa blinked slowly. 

It was so bright. The smell was so strong it made her eyes water. A kindly older woman stood before her.

“Alright, sweetheart. Good,” said the nurse. “Can you tell me your name?” Lexa glanced over at her and looked away. Something screeched. Lexa’s hands went up to cover her ears. Pain shot down her left wrist. She groaned. “Hey, can you tell me your name?” Lexa started rocking back and forth.

“It’s hurts…” she said. 

“I know,” she said sympathetically. “But can you tell me your name Then we can get a doctor to look at you.” Lexa shook her head. Every bone in her body throbbed. The nurse’s voice had this odd, loud, echo-y quality to it. 

“I want Clarke,” Lexa said. 

“Was Clarke the girl you were brought in with?” she asked. All Lexa could think about was Clarke. Clarke would make this better. Clarke could make this loud lady leave. Maybe she could even make her wrist feel better. Maybe she could kiss it better…

“Clarke, please,” said Lexa. “I need Clarke, please.” Another person walked in and started whispering to the nurse. Lexa lifted up her not hurt arm and pressed her eye, trying to quell the pain behind it. 

“Alright, Lexa,” said the nurse lady, talking really slow. “Your mom should be on her way.”

“Indra?” asked Lexa. The nurse nodded. 

“Can you take your hand from your eye?” asked the nurse. Lexa rocked back and forth. The nurse grabbed Lexa’s hand. 

“No,” yelled Lexa, falling back off the gurney. She let out a cry and rolled on her side. “No, no, no.” She sobbed. “No, please. Clarke. I want Clarke.” She rocked back and forth in the fetal position. The nurse kept trying to calm her down, but Lexa wasn’t having it. 

Lexa felt like she couldn’t breathe. She rocked back and forth even harder. The room was spinning and everything hurt. All she could think about was the last time she was in the hospital. Images of Jason and the nurse mixed together. 

“I need Clarke, please,” said Lexa. “Need her. Need her to be okay.”

“Lexa!” Indra ran over and knelt down by her. “Lexa, it’s okay. You’re safe.” 

“Clarke?” said Lexa. Indra took a deep breath.

“Clarke’s okay too,” said Indra. “She told me she wanted you to get examined.”

“I want to see Clarke,” said Lexa. 

“Lexa…”

“I WANT TO SEE CLARKE NOW!” yelled Lexa. She smacked her bad hand on the ground and a sob bubbled up in her throat. Indra walked behind her and picked Lexa up bridal style. “NO!” Lexa screamed. Indra shushed her and sat down on the gurney with Lexa on her lap. She held Lexa tightly and started rocking her at a slow, soothing pace. 

“We’re going to let the nice nurse examine you,” said Indra softly. “And then Dr. Kane is going to come in and him and some other doctors are going to patch you up, okay?” Lexa trembled against Indra’s chest. “Do you want your headphones?” Lexa nodded.

“Cube please,” she said into Indra’s blouse. 

“Where was it?” Indra asked. 

“Holding…” Lexa muttered. Indra nodded slowly and made eye contact with the nurse, who had come back with two small cups. 

“Lexa,” said Indra. “I need you to be my brave Commander, okay? Could you take the medicine for me?” She took the pill cup and held it out to Lexa. Lexa tried to curl up further into herself.

“I want my cube,” she said.

“Take the pills first. They’ll make you feel better,” said Indra. Lexa didn’t respond. “Clarke would want you to.” Lexa lifted her head from Indra’s shirt.

“Clarke?” she asked. Indra handed her the pill cup. She knocked it back with some water. 

“Good job, Lexa,” she said. “I know it’s hard.” She reached over and grabbed Lexa’s headphones from her bag. Lexa reached out and grabbed them. Indra smiled at her. The silence was nice. Indra squeezed her shoulder. Lexa watched her lips.

“The nurse is going to examine you know,” Indra said. Lexa nodded and closed her eyes. Lexa could feel the nurse pressing things against her and running her hands over her. Lexa could feel the meds taking effect. It was a sedative. Probably diazepam. They’d pumped her full of it last time she was in the hospital. 

The nurse touched her wrist. Lexa flinched back and opened her eyes. Indra caught her and squeezed her shoulder.

“You’re okay,” said Indra. The nurse picked up her arm and placed it on a pillow. She placed and ice pack on it. Lexa started to squirm. Indra grabbed the top of her arm. 

“Hurts…” whined Lexa. 

“The ice will make you feel better,” said Indra. 

“It’s cold,” said Lexa. 

“I know,” said Indra. She was still rocking her. Lexa’s sniffles subsided slowly. Indra squeezed her shoulder and pulled her headphones off. “Now, can you tell me what hurts?” 

“My head…my wrist…knee…” 

“You’re going to need an x-ray of your wrist,” said the nurse. “And maybe a CT of your head.” Lexa groaned. “And which knee, sweetheart?”

“Right,” she muttered. The nurse smiled at her. 

“Can I take a look at it?” she asked. Lexa closed her eyes and nodded again. Indra pulled Lexa’s pants off. “It’s just a scrape.” The nurse peaked under the gauze on Lexa’s forehead. Lexa let out a hiss. “This is going to need stitches.”

“No thank you,” said Lexa. The nurse smiled at Indra. 

“I’m going to set up an x-ray,” said the nurse. “Could you get off your mom’s lap for a second?” Lexa didn’t move.

“Lexa,” Indra said. Lexa opened her eyes. They darted around. She closed them again. “It looks like the meds have taken effect.” Indra picked Lexa up on laid her back on the gurney. Lexa groaned and grabbed Indra’s shirt. The nurse started setting up the x-ray. Indra peeled her fingers off and kissed the back of her hand. 

Lexa moaned at the loss of contact. The nurse shifted her arm over. 

“Clarke…” breathed Lexa. The nurse shushed her. Lexa opened her eyes. It hurt, but Lexa felt oddly distanced from it. Lexa didn’t know exactly what was going on. Time moved strangely. 

Dr. Kane appeared at one point. Although Lexa wasn’t really sure what was going on. She felt Kane palpate her arm inner arm and felt a pinch. There was something strange in his eyes. It would have worried Lexa if she had been aware enough to be worried.

But her worry for Clarke turned into something else as the drug and concussion induced haze over took her mind. With one last word she drifted off…

“Clarke…”


	12. Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke wakes up...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Thanks for the super enthusiastic response. Although I am kind of annoyed that some people were insulting other people's suggestion. If you don't like it you can just say that you don't like it. Don't call it stupid, man. Please be civil on there. I'm way too lazy to have to go through and moderate you guys. But Jason and Costia are both definitely making a comeback. I'm sorry this is a little short. I'm gonna try to put up another chapter by Sunday night.

Clarke had done a lot of stupid things in her life. Like dating Bellemy Blake. Like not answering Raven’s call when one of her mom’s drunken rants had ended with Raven in the hospital. Like doing Bellemy Blake. Like lying to Octavia about it. Like not going with her parents the night her dad… 

Clarke had done a lot of stupid things. However, did not considering jumping in front of a car to protect Lexa one of those stupid things.

Even when she could feel her hips shattering and her bones piercing her internal organs, she had no real regrets. Except Bellemy Blake. And maybe not kissing Lexa. But Lexa was tough and soft and quiet and loud and just...

As the car crushed her bones, Clarke just thought about Lexa. It was her last though before everything went black.  
***  
Clarke had never felt so high in her life. Her body didn’t hurt. It felt light and heavy at the same time. She groaned softly. 

“Of course…” The voice was rough. Part of her was surprised. She’d expected Raven. A large hand squeezed hers. “You’re okay, Clarke.” Clarke struggled to open her eyes. Light assaulted her eyes, and she moaned. “Shit, sorry.” The lights dimmed. “You can try again whenever you’re ready. No rush.” Clarke opened her eyes again. 

Lincoln was sitting over her, smiling gently. 

“Hey there,” he said. Clarke let out a low whine. “I bet you feel like shit. Here.” He held out a cup of water to her. She took a couple sips from a straw. “Better?” Clarke nodded and leaned her head back.

“I was here with Octavia, but you know how she gets. She had to go for a walk,” said Lincoln. “She picked a bad time though.” Clarke nodded. “Raven, um, broke some stuff. She’ll be back soon.”

“Lexa?” asked Clarke. 

“She’s a little banged up, but she’s okay,” said Lincoln. “She’s been asking for you.”

“How’s she…hurt?” said Clarke. 

“Just a concussion and a sprained wrist,” said Lincoln. “And she needed to get like four stitches I her forehead. She was more shaken up than anything.” Clarke nodded.

“That’s good,” said Clarke. “I need to see her.” She started sitting up. Lincoln pushed her shoulder back down. 

“Oh no, you don’t,” said Lincoln. “You need to rest. You’re not just a little beat up. You’re pretty beat up.” Clarke rolled her eyes. “You have a shattered pelvis—which is currently held together by pins and rods—and your bladder was also popped. And your uterus.” Clarke grunted and looked under the blanket. Everything from her hips down was covered in bandages and had several tubes poking out.

“Oh,” she said. She dropped the blanket.

“You’re going to need a lot of physical therapy,” he said. She nodded. They were quiet for a moment.

“Thank you,” said Lincoln. “For saving my sister.” Clarke nodded.

“I had to,” she said. Lincoln paused. 

“Do you love her?” he asked. Clarke gave him a look.

“I really don’t think this is a good time to be having this conversation,” she said. He nodded.

“So maybe,” he said. Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Just don’t hurt her, okay?” he said.

“I got hit by a car for her. What more do you want?” she asked. Lincoln chuckled. 

“Yeah,” he said. “I guess.” The door opens.

“Clarke!” Octavia ran over and threw her arms around Clarke’s shoulders. Clarke wined,

“Hey, O,” said Clarke. She patted her back.

“Jesus Christ, you scared me,” said Octavia. 

“Sorry,” said Clarke.

“You’re not sorry,” said Octavia. “Thank you for saving Lexa.”

“Don’t thank me,” she said. “I care about her too.” Octavia nodded. She let go.”

“You’re really messed up,” she said. She wiped her eye. Clarke nodded.

“I know,” she said. “I can feel it.”

“Oh shit, did I hurt you?” asked Octavia.

“No,” Clarke lied. “I’m fine.” She adjusted herself and tried not to wince. “How long have I been out? I don’t remember anything after stepping in front of the car.”

“The driver called 911. Him hitting you was an honest mistake, supposedly,” said Lincoln. “Lexa was basically catatonic. She doesn’t handle stress very well. Especially since…” Lincoln shook his head. “Anyway, you were super out of it between the pain and the meds. They got you into surgery less than a half hour after you got into the ED.”

“Wow. I must have been pretty bad.”

“Well, that and your mom,” said Lincoln. 

“We’re at AUH?” asked Clarke, bolting upright. “Shit.” 

“Relax, Clarke. Raven’s been talking with your mom,” he said.

“But you said—”

“I lied,” he said. SHe glared at him.

“I don’t want to see my mom,” she said.

“We know,” said Octavia. “That’s what Raven is trying to tell her.” Clarke relaxed and closed her eyes.

“I wanna see Lexa.” Octavia and Lincoln shared a knowing smile. 

“She’s pretty out of it right now,” said Lincoln. “But I’ll talk to Kane; see what he can do.” Clarke’s eyes shot open.

“Kane? Like Marcus Kane? My step-dad?” asked Clarke.

“Yeah. He’s been Lexa’s doctor, like, forever. Well, as long as she’s been my sister, but I thought you knew that.” Clarke shook her head. “That’s one of the reasons that Indra hired you.” Clarke stared at him. “She knew a lot of people who knew you, so if you turned out to be, well, terrible, you would have nowhere to hide.” 

“I don’t talk to Kane,” she said. Lincoln shrugged. 

“I figured. I’ll be right back.” He left.

“You love her,” said Octavia. 

“I barely know her,” said Clarke. 

“Doesn’t matter,” said Octavia smugly. “You love her.” Clarke sighed. Her eyelids felt heavy and her hips were staring to get sore.

“Do you want me to get a nurse?” asked Octavia softly. Clarke shook her head. 

“I don’t want to be drugged if Lexa comes. She’ll be scared as much as it is,” said Clarke. Octavia smirked.

“I am so right,” she said. “Take a nap. I’ll wake you up when she comes.”

“But—”

“Rest, Clarke.” Octavia ran her hand through Clarke’s hair. “You really look like you need it.” Clarke sighed and closed her eyes.  
***  
“Clarke isn’t doing as bad as she looks, okay?” Clarke could hear Lincoln’s voice at the edge of her consciousness. “She’s pretty hurt, but she’ll get better.” 

“My fault,” said the voice of an angel, ever so quietly. Clarke tried to shake the sleep from her. It wasn’t Lexa’s fault.

“If it was anyone’s fault, it was the driver. He should have stopped,” said Octavia.

“No,” said Lexa. “I hurt Clarke.” Clarke blinked her eyes. She was greeted with the most beautiful sight in the world. Lexa. She was sitting in a wheelchair looking, really, no worse for wear, and hugging a raccoon stuffed animal. Clarke could cry.

“Oh, baby, you could never hurt me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno if you guys are into Jessica Jones/Trish Walker, but if you are please check out my fanfiction of them that I 'm posting soon. It's hurt/comfort-angsty type thing with Trish comforting injured Jess (If you haven't figure out that's my favorite trope). I would love it if you guys could give it a read. It'll probably just be a one shot (or a two shot if you ask nicely) because THaLoF (which is what I'm going to call this from now on)probably isn't going to end any time soon, and I really need to stop starting new projects.


	13. Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa tells Clarke some things...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dudes, thanks for all the comments. I'll try to have another chapter up this week, but I don't know by when. I think I need to do some more planning before I write this next chapter too. Feedback is, as always appreciated.

Lexa held out the raccoon.

“For you. Feel better,” said Lexa. Her words slurred slightly. Clarke gave her a soft smile. Lincoln pushed Lexa up closer. Lexa held out the raccoon. Clarke shifted to grab it and let out a small pained noise. Lexa looked like she’d been slapped. 

“I’m sorry, Clarke,” said Lexa. Clarke grabbed the stuffed animal.

“Don’t apologize,” she said. “This isn’t your fault.” Lexa shook her head and started rocking back and foth. 

“I didn’t look both ways,” she muttered. 

“Lexa, c’mere,” said Clarke. She patted the spot next her. Lexa shook her head.

“I don’t wanna hurt you,” she said.

“You’re not going to hurt me. I trust you, okay?” Lexa shook her head. “Lexa, come here, please.” Lexa shook her head again. 

“My fault,” Lexa said quietly.

“Lexa, it’s—” 

“No,” yelled Lexa. “No.” She burst into tears.

“This is my fault. My fault,” she said between sobs. 

“Lexa…” said Clarke. 

“Lex,” said Lincoln. “Let’s go home, okay?” Lexa nodded and pulled her knees up to her chest. Lincoln shot Clarke an apologetic look. He squeezed Lexa’s shoulder and pushed her out of the room.

“She’s just a little overstimulated,” said Octavia. “She just need some time to cool down. This would have been hard to handle for someone who didn’t have ASD.” Clarke nodded and tried not to let Octavia see the tears in her eyes. She pulled the blankets up to her neck.

“Could you get the nurse?” she asked. Octavia nodded and pressed the call button.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” she asked. Clarke nodded. She sniffled and rubbed her eyes. Octavia ran her hand through Clarke’s hair. “You’re okay.” Clarke closed her eyes. A nurse walked in and injected something into in the IV.   
***  
When Clarke woke up, the anesthetic had definitely worn off all the way, because everything hurt. She groaned.

“Shh…it’s okay,” said a voice that Clarke unfortunately recognized. Clarke’s eyes shot open.

“Get away from me,” said Clarke. Abby looked hurt. She was sitting next to her. There were tears tracks down her face.

“I know you don’t want to see me, but I needed to see that you were okay,” said Abby. Clarke wrenched her hand from Abby’s. 

“Leave,” she said. Abby eyed the raccoon plush. 

“Where’s he from?” said Abby. 

“She,” Clarke corrected. She hugged the raccoon to her chest. Abby raised an eyebrow. 

“She, then,” she said. Clarke shook her head. 

“I want you to leave,” she said. Abby looked heartbroken. “I can’t do this now.” Abby nodded. She looked at one of the monitors. 

“Okay. I’ll get one of the nurses to give you a pain pump,” she said. She got up. “I love you, Clarke.”   
***  
The next time Clarke woke up, she couldn’t fully identify. She felt a hand tangle in her hair and someone’s face in her neck. It didn’t seem Raven’s style, and she’d recognized her instantly. Same with Octavia. Clarke tried not to hope.

She opened her eyes. 

“Lexa,” said Clarke. Lexa jolted back in her seat. “Sorry.”

“No…I..uh…it…I’m sorry,” said Lexa.

“Don’t be sorry,” said Clarke. She reached up and grabbed Lexa’s hand. Clarke stroked the back of it. “I’m not mad at you, Lexa. I don’t blame you.” 

“I wanted to see that you were okay,” said Lexa. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” said Clarke. She reached up and touched Lexa’s face. Lexa didn’t flinch.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“Its’ not your fault,” said Clarke.

“I should have looked,” said Lexa.

“That asshole shouldn’t have been speeding,” Clarke replied. Lexa’s eye drifted to the raccoon.

“Do you like it?” she asked, Clarke nodded. 

“I love my Lexacoon,” she said. Lexa raised an eyebrow. 

“Lexa…coon?” asked Lexa. “You named it after me?” Her eyebrows scrunched together in a way that Clarke found adorable. She rubbed Lexa’s forehead. She felt Lexa almost flinch back but stop herself.

“You gave it to me, didn’t you?” she said. “I am on a lot of drugs right now.” She shook her head and stared up at the ceiling. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Lexa giving her an odd look. 

“What’s up, Lex?” Clarke asked. 

“I think I love you,” she said. Clarke turned to face her. “I don’t want you to be my babysitter. I wanna get better. I wanna not need a babysitter anymore. I think I want you to be my girlfriend.” Clarke stared at her stunned. “And now you’re going to tell me you love me, but not like that. That it would be too hard. That I’m a little kid. That I can’t consent. That’s what all the other girls I’ve asked had said.” Lexa stared at her hands. “That’s what Costia said…” Clarke reached over and pulled Lexa into an embrace.

“Lexa, there are so many things I want to tell you. You’re worthy of love; you’re not a child. And I…I feel something for you too. But I’m on a lot of drugs right now, and I can’t really think straight.”

“I’m not asking you to think straight. I’m asking you to think gay,” said Lexa, muffled by Clarke’s shoulder. Clarke chuckled.

“Anya needs to stop teaching you jokes,” she said.

“Was it funny?” asked Lexa.

“Yeah, Lex, it was funny,” she said. “But can we have this conversation later? I don’t want to say the wrong thing.” Clarke paused. “Is that okay?” Lexa bit her lip and nodded. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. I don’t…I don’t want to pressure you,” said Lexa. Clarke nodded and let go of Lexa. 

“Thank you,” said Clarke. Lexa nodded. 

“I should go now,” said Lexa. She sat up.

“Wait,” said Clarke. She grabbed Lexa’s arms. “Could you stay with me until I, um, until I fall asleep?” Lexa stared at her. Confusion flashed across her face. “I don’t want to be alone.” Lexa nodded and sat back down.” She awkwardly grabbed Clarke’s hand and squeezed it.

“Um,” said Lexa. She cleared her throat. “I’m here for you.” Clarke smiled softly. 

“Thank you,” said Clarke. She closed her eyes.


	14. Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa makes mistakes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are gonna hate me for this chapter. Comments and kudos are appreciated. Death threats are not. Clexa is endgame, but boy do I love drama and angst. The next chap will be lighter. And longer. Probably.

Lexa was not having a good day. When she woke up, her head was pounding. It was too bright and too loud when she got out of her blanket cocoon, but when she stayed in, she was too hot. She groaned.

“Hey there, Commander,” Anya said. “How are you feeling?” 

“Head hurts,” said Lexa. “And I want my fidget cube, please,” she said. Anya sighed and patted Lexa’s shoulder through the blankets. 

“I know. Indra’s working on it,” said Anya.

“Clarke gave it to me,” said Lexa.

“I know,” said Anya.

“I miss Clarke,” said Lexa. Anya cracked a small smile.

“If you want to visit her, I can take you,” said Anya. Lexa shook her head.

“Is that a no? Why?” asked Anya. 

“I don’t like hospitals,” said Lexa. “Also, what if she’s tired? Or she doesn’t wanna see me?”

“Of course, she wants to see you,” said Anya. “Why wouldn’t she?”

“I got her hit by a car, Anya,” said Lexa.

“She doesn’t blame you,” said Anya. “And it wasn’t your fault.” Lexa shrugged and shifted under the blankets. “I left you some breakfast up here. Please try to eat some of it.” Lexa nodded. “I need you to take your meds, so you have to come out for a second.” Lexa stuck her head out. She saw them and crinkled her nose.

“That’s the one that makes me nauseous,” she said. “I don’t need it.” She popped the other pill in her mouth and hunkered back down.

“Lex, this isn’t a choice,” said Anya. Lexa didn’t emerge. Anya sighed and ripped the blanket off Lexa’s head. Lexa let out a small cry. 

“I don’t need it,” Lexa yelled. She pressed her hands to her ears and squeezed her eyes shut.

“Lexa, please,” Anya said. 

“I don’t need the anxiety medication,” said Lexa. “I don’t want it.”

“You need it,” said Anya. 

“It makes me sick,” said Lexa. “And I don’t need it. I’m fine.”

“Lexa…” Anya sat on the side of Lexa’s bed. She squeezed Lexa’s shoulder. “You know that you get upset when hard stuff happens. And I don’t want you to get worked up.” 

“I won’t. I’m fine,” she said. “I don’t wanna feel sick. I can keep calm.” Anya rubbed her face. 

“I don’t want to have to force you to take it,” she said. “But I don’t want you to get upset later.” 

“You’re making me get upset now,” Lexa whined. Anya rolled her eyes.

“Fine,” said Anya. She threw her arms up in the air. “You win. I guess you’re not going to take that stupid medicine.” She got up. 

“Eat your breakfast, you little shit,” she said. 

“Are you mad?” asked Lexa. Anya stopped on her way out.

“Yeah,” said Anya. 

“Really?” asked Lexa. 

“Just eat your stupid breakfast,” she said. Lexa put her head down. Anya shut Lexa’s door. Lexa laid there and closed her eyes.  
***  
Lexa opened her eyes. The blinds were closed. The food next to her was warm and differ from the food that had been here when she had fallen asleep. Anya was too nice to her. Guilt creeped up in her neck. Lexa sat up and ignored her spinning head. She got up and gripped the back of the chair. She grabbed a sandwich. She walked down the stairs, clutching the handrail. 

“Anya?” said Lexa. Costia walked to the base of the stairs. 

“Anya left,” said Costia. “She had to go to work.” Lexa’s face fell.

“Oh,” said Lexa. 

“Not happy to see me?” said Costia.

“I just wanted to talk to Anya,” said Lexa. “It has nothing to do with you.” Costia snorted.

“How do you feel?” she said. Lexa shrugged.

“My wrist hurts, and my head feels weird,” she said. “It’s loud and bright.”

“More than normal?” asked Costia. Lexa nodded. Costia went around closing the blinds.

“When will Anya be back?” asked Lexa. 

“Not for a few hours,” said Costia. “And I have to take you to OT.” Lexa wrinkled her nose.

“But I’m hurt,” she said.

“Gustus still wants to work with you,” she said. Lexa flopped down on a couch. “I can take you to see Clarke after, if you want.” Lexa shrugged. 

“Maybe,” she said. 

“Maybe?” asked Costia. She sat down on the couch and patted the spot next to her. Lexa sat, and Costia pulled Lexa’s against her. She gently started running her hand through Lexa’s hair. “I thought you’d be dying to see Clarke.” Lexa shrugged. “I’m sure she’s eager to see you.” Lexa shrugged again. She tucked her face in Costia’s neck. They sat in silence for a bit.

“The day you got upset, you saw Jason?” Costia said. Lexa nodded. “You know you didn’t deserve what Jason did to you?” 

“I wanted you to like me,” said Lexa. 

“I like you just the way you are,” said Costia.

“No you don’t,” she said. “You didn’t wanna date me.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t like you, Lexa,” she said.

“You aren’t attracted to me, because I’m autistic,” said Lexa. Costia stared at her. 

“Lexa…” said Costia. She pushed Lexa off her chest. 

“Don’t be mad at me,” said Lexa.

“I’m not mad,” she said. “I’m upset.”

“At me?” asked Lexa. Costia shook her head. 

“No. I’m upset at me,” said Costia. “I never realized how much this affected you. I didn’t want to hurt you.” Costia gently reached and tipped Lexa’s chin up. Lexa tried to make eye contact and looked away. “I need you to look at me.” Lexa looked up. “I care about you so much. I’m just not romantically attracted to you.” Lexa nodded.

“Sometimes you talk to me like I’m stupid. Like you think I’m a burden,” Lexa said. Costia gently ran her hand over Lexa’s cheek.

“I would never think that,” said Costia. “Not ever. I know I say things sometimes…you’re a handful, but everyone is, okay? You are so worthy of love.” Lexa stared at her. She hadn’t realized how close they’d gotten. “One last kiss.” And Costia leaned in.


	15. Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Costia talk, and Lexa visits Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long. I've been busy. As always, you guys are way too nice with your comments. Some of you are...less nice, if honest. And some of you are taking the end of the last chapter...much more seriously than I had anticipated. Like a lot more. A lot. But y'all really need to trust me. Also I keep in mind, Lexa misreads signals. She's autistic. She's a bit of an unreliable narrator. When you see things through her point of view, they aren't exactly as they seem. Anyway, comments and kudos appreciated.

Lexa jerked her head back. 

“No,” she said. She furrowed her eyebrows. “I don’t…I don’t…” She pressed her hands against her forehead. “You’re not making sense.” Costia grabbed Lexa’s shoulder and squeezed it.

“Lexa, I was just going to give you a forehead kiss,” she said. 

“Oh,” she said. “You could have made that more clear.” Costia chuckled. 

“I said I wasn’t romantically attracted to you,” said Costia. 

“Oh,” said Lexa. She paused. “I like Clarke.” Costia nodded. 

“I know. When they drugged you after the car accident, you kept crying for her,” she said. “When they had to give you the medicine back after everything that happened with Jason, you were asking for me.” Lexa sat back against the couch and started clicking the pen. “I’m sorry I left you with him that day. I handled that badly. I knew you liked me and…I messed up.” Lexa shrugged.

“It’s not your fault,” she said. “He would have done it anyway.”

“I didn’t notice,” Costia said. Lexa shrugged. 

“I should have said something,” said Lexa. “You can’t read my mind.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” asked Costia. Lexa shrugged.

“He said he was fixing me,” said Lexa.  
“You aren’t broken,” said Costia.

“I know. Anya tells me all the time,” she said. “But am I annoying.” Costia shoved her playfully.

“Everyone’s annoying,” Costia said. She sighed. “You know I’m sure you and Clarke are going to have this same conversation.”

“What?” asked Lexa.

“You’re going to be apologizing to Clarke for something she doesn’t blame you for, but you blame yourself for,” said Costia.

“But how do I make it better?” asked Lexa. Costia shrugged. 

“Tell me when you figure it out,” she said.  
***  
“I’m sorry about what happened,” said Gutus. Lexa nodded, fiddling with the peeling edge of the table. 

“Clarke got hurt,” she said. 

“Are you worried about her?” he asked. Lexa nodded. “Are you going to see her later today?” Lexa shrugged. “Is there any reason why you wouldn’t?” Lexa shrugged again.

“My head hurts,” she said. She put her head on the desk. Gustus shifted and Lexa winced when his knee hit the desk. 

“That’s a fair reason,” said Gutus. “You need to take care of yourself first.”

“Are you my shrink now?” she asked. 

“You need to spend less time with Anya,” he said. Lexa grinned into her hands. 

“I don’t want to do OT today,” she said. Gutus sighed.

“Well, you’re here now. We have to do something. Indra is paying for this,” he said.

“Nap,” said Lexa. Gutus chuckled. 

“How’s the wrist?” he asked. Lexa flexed her wrist in the soft cast. 

“It hurts. A little. Not as much as my head,” said Lexa. Gutus lifted her child up and shined a penlight in her eye. Lexa winced. “Ow.”

“Sorry,” he said. “I just wanted to check.”

“Everything is too much…” mumbled Lexa. She squeezed her hands over her ears. 

“Do you want me Costia? She’s the one who brought you, right?” asked Gutus. Lexa looked over at him. “I know I just said we needed to keep going, but this is clearly too much for right now.” Lexa nodded. Gustus squeezed her shoulder and got up. 

Lexa pulled her phone out of her pocket. She opened the message to Clarke.

Lexa: Hello, Clarke. Would you like me to visit today?

Lexa put her phone back in her pocket and pressed her forehead to the table. Gutus came back. 

“She’s on her way,” he said. “Do you want to lay down?” Lexa nodded. “Thank you for using your words to tell me you were tired.” Lexa nodded again. Gustus lead her into a back room. Lexa crashed onto a couch.  
***  
“Lexa.” Costia hand her hand through Lexa’s hair. She opened her eyes. “Hey, Lex, we can go.” Lexa got up and sleepily rubbed her eyes. She grabbed her phone. 

Clarke Griffin: yeah it not like I have anything better to do :P  
Clarke Griffin: I’m just kidding of course I wanna see you

Lexa smiled. 

“Can you take me to see Clarke?” Lexa asked Costia.

“Yeah,” said Costia. “C’mon.” 

The car ride was relatively quiet. Lexa’s head kept falling to the side, drifting off. 

“We’re here, Lex,” said Costia. Lexa sat up and rubbed her eyes. 

“Clarke…” Lexa muttered. She looked over at Costia. “Are you coming in?”

“I’ll walk you to Clarke’s room, then I’ll leave you to alone,” said Costia. Lexa nodded. She slid off of her seat. Costia squeezed her hand as they headed up to Clarke’s room. 

“Are you nervous?” asked Costia. Lexa nodded. 

“I don’t like seeing her hurt,” she said. “And I’m not sure what to say.”

“Just be yourself,” said Costia. She walked Lexa down to Clarke’s room. “She’s right in here. I’ll see you in an hour and a half, okay? Call me if you need anything.” Lexa nodded. Costia went back to the elevator.

Lexa look a deep breath and opened the door. 

The head of the bed was raised slightly. Clarke had a grimace on her face. When she saw Lexa, it broke out into a smile.

“Lexa,” she said. Lexa was too horrified to notice.

She heard some of the details of what had happened to Clarke, but there was a difference between hearing and seeing.

A nurse stood over Clarke. Clarke’s gown was pulled up above her bellybutton. Her hips were exposed. And there was a metal bar that came out from her skin and went from one side of her pelvis to the other. Between that were bandages, tubes, and wires.

“Lexa, look up here, please,” said Clarke. 

“Oh my God,” said Lexa. 

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” said Clarke weakly. Lexa’s eyes drifted up to Clarke’s face. 

“Does it hurt?” asked Lexa. 

“I’m on a lot of pain meds, Lexa,” said Clarke.

“Does it hurt?” said Lexa again. Clarke nodded. Without really thinking, Lexa flung herself at Clarke. Clarke winced but tried to stifle it.

“Lexa…” said Clarke.

“I’m so sorry, Clarke,” said Lexa. Clarke shook her head.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she said. Lexa shook her head. “And even if you did have something to be sorry for, I’d forgive you in a heartbeat.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I did totally fake you guys out with the Lexa/Costia thing. Yes it was a dick move. What can I say? I love cliffhangers.  
>  
> 
> Also check out my tumblr: https://thesmolestnerd.tumblr.com/
> 
> I don't know why it took me 15 chapters to say that.


	16. Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clexa bonding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dudes, thanks for all the wonderful comments. I know the chapters are short, but it's hard for me to find time to write, and I feel like this is taking long enough to update as it is. Comments and kudos are appreciated.

Lexa and Clarke stayed wrapped in each other’s arms until the nurse cleared her throat. Lexa straightened up.

“Sorry but I need to finish cleaning her wound,” she said. Lexa nodded. She watched as the nurse dabbed around the metal. Clarke winced. Lexa reached over and grabbed her hand. 

“It’s, um, it’s okay. I got you,” said Lexa. Clarke gave her a soft smiled and squeezed her hand. The smile fell off her face. She let out a small cry and arched off the bed. The nurse shushed her.

“Clarke?” asked Lexa. Clarke squeezed her eyes shut. She nodded. 

“I’m fine,” said Clarke. “It’s fine.” Lexa stared at her. 

“No, you’re not,” said Lexa. 

“Lexa, it just hurt a little,” said Clarke. “I’m fine now.”

“I don’t like it when you’re hurt,” she said. Clarke smiled. She squeezed Lexa’s hand.

“I’ll be okay,” said Clarke. Lexa put her head on Clarke’s shoulder. She nuzzled her nose into Clarke’s neck. Clarke ran her hand through Lexa’s hair. Lexa squeezed her hand. 

“Thank you for being here,” said Clarke. Lexa shook her head.

“I wanna be here,” she said. “I don’t need to be thanked.” Clarke hissed and winced. “I don’t want you to be in pain. How can I make it stop?” Clarke nestled her nose in Lexa’s hair. 

“You’re making it better just be being here,” said Clarke. “You don’t need to do anything else.” She stumbled through the end of her sentence. “It’s going to hurt for a while. But as long as I have you, I’ll be okay.”

“Done,” said the nurse. She taped some gauze pads over her stomach. “Get some rest. I’ll be in to check on you soon.” Clarke nodded. The nurse pulled the blanket up and smiled at her before leaving. 

“I hated being in the hospital,” said Lexa. 

“Yeah,” said Clarke. “I bet.” She rubbed her free hand up and down Lexa’s back. “There’s so much going on. So much stimuli…external and internal.” Lexa nodded.

“I was there for days. I couldn’t eat… They kept me sedated so I wouldn’t fight them…” Clarke gently pulled Lexa off her shoulder. Lexa didn’t make eye contact. She could feel Clarke’s eyes boring into her. She squirmed.

“Wait. When were you in the hospital for days?” Clarke asked. 

“When my former caretaker...hurt me,” said Lexa. “I was in the hospital for two weeks and six days. I couldn’t eat. It hurt to be awake. My insides burned. Everything was too loud, too bright…”

“I’m sorry,” said Clarke. 

“You didn’t do anything,” said Lexa. “Don’t apologize.”

“I feel bad that this happened to you, Lexa,” said Clarke. Lexa nodded. 

“It was bad,” said Lexa. She paused. She brought her eyes up to Clarke’s for a second. She saw nothing but love and concern. “Do you know what MMS is?” Clarke shook her head. “It’s supposed to be a miracle treatment for everything. From malaria to cancer to…”

“Autism,” said Clarke. Lexa nodded. 

“It’s bleach,” said Lexa. “It’s chlorine and citric acid.” Lexa swallowed. “It’s given through, um, enemas.” Clarke stared at her. Lexa felt her face grow red.

“I-I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t be telling you this. You probably don’t want to know. And you’re still hurt, um…” 

“He gave you a bleach enema?” asked Clarke. Lexa nodded. Clarke threw her arms around Lexa’s shoulders. She kissed the top of her head. 

“I’m so sorry that happened to you. Holy fuck,” said Clarke. “That’s horrible. Why…? I can’t…” Lexa shook her head, enjoying the feeling of Clarke’s boob against her cheek. 

“Soft…” Lexa mumbled. Clarke squeezed Lexa’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry all of this happened to you, Lexa,” she said. “God, no wonder you don’t like going out.” 

“It’s okay though. I’m doing better,” said Lexa. 

“Did he get arrested or something?” asked Clarke. “Please tell me that something happened to him.” Lexa nodded.

“He was charged with assault,” said Lexa. “We went to court. Um, I had to testify. It was bad. I didn’t like it.” Lexa paused.

“Did he go to jail?” asked Clarke.

“He was sentenced to six months. He only served four for good behavior,” said Lexa.

“What?” yelled Clarke. Lexa flinched. “How did he only get sentenced 6 months.” Lexa shrugged.

“I was an adult. And technically I told him he could do it. The only way they could have sentenced him to something harsher was if they said that I couldn’t consent. And I can.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” said Clarke. Lexa shrugged.

“I told him that he could do it to me,” said Lexa.

“He manipulated you,” snapped Clarke. 

“I know,” said Lexa. 

“You didn’t deserve it,” said Clarke.

“I know,” said Lexa. 

“Jesus, Lexa, I can’t believe this happened to you,” said Clarke. Lexa nodded and looked down. Anxiety welled up in her throat. 

“Can we talk about something else?” Lexa mumbled. Clarke nodded and yawned.

“Yeah…I’m sorry,” she said. She kissed the back of Lexa’s hand, and Lexa’s ears went red. 

“Don’t apologize,” said Lexa. Clarke yawned again. “It looks like you could use some sleep.” Clarke nodded. 

“Stay with me?” she asked, suddenly sounding small. Lexa nodded. Clarke reached over and grabbed a button. Lexa raised an eyebrow. “It’s how I can give myself pain meds.” Lexa nodded. Clarke pressed the button. Lexa reached over with a shaky hand and ran it through Clarke’s hair. Clarke squeezed Lexa’s hand and gave her a small smile. Lexa was overcome with love and the desire to kiss her. 

“Clarke,” said Lexa. “I, um…I think I want to kiss you.” Clarke smiled wider. 

“I think I want to kiss you too,” she said. She closed her eyes. Lexa leaned forward and hesitated. She kissed Clarke’s cheek and leaned back. She almost missed the shadow of a smile on Clarke’s face.  
***  
Lexa had her laptop open and was working on her physics. Someone walked in but she didn’t bother looking up. Nurses had been popping in and out for the last half hour. 

“Who are you?” 

“Lexa Woods,” said Lexa. She looked up. The woman was probably in her 40s. She had a doctor’s coat on and looked a little like Clarke. The lady smiled. 

“I’m Abby. Clarke’s mom,” she said.

“Oh,” said Lexa. “Hello.” Abby walked over and pushed some hairs from Clarke’s face.

“I thought Clarke did like you,” said Lexa. Abby smiled.

“She’s mad at me right now, yes,” said Abby. 

“Then why are you here?” asked Lexa. Abby chuckled. 

“I’m not mad at her,” said Abby. “She’s my daughter. I love her.” Lexa nodded. 

“Then why don’t you apologize for what I did wrong?” said Lexa. Abby sighed.

“I did,” said Abby. “Sometimes it’s not that simple.” Clarke let out a low groan. “It’s awful seeing her like this.”

“I’m sorry,” said Lexa. Abby shook her head.

“No one blames you, Lexa,” said Abby. “Including me.” Lexa nodded. Abby smiled.

“I’m glad Clarke has a friend like you,” she said.


	17. Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More Lexa/Clarke cuteness. Not much really happens, just fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the nice comments. Sorry this chapter is so short and took so long to write. The next one should be better. I know where I want this story to go; it's just taking forever because I'm not exactly sure how to get there. Kudos and comments appreciated.

Clarke could feel a hand run over her cheek. It gently caressed her cheek bone and her jaw. Soft fingers tapped her cheek and danced over her collar bone. Clarke’s eyes flickered open. Lexa’s hand was tracing her. Pure terror crossed Lexa’s face when she saw that Clarke was awake. 

“Don’t stop,” said Clarke. “It feels good.” Lexa’s ears went redder. She didn’t stop though. Clarke closed her eyes again. 

“How—how do you feel?” asked Lexa. Clarke smiled.

“Better after my nap,” she said. 

“Does it still hurt?” asked Lexa. Clarke grimaced and nodded. 

“Thanks for asking, but it’s going to hurt for a while, Lexa,” said Clarke. Lexa nodded. 

“Oh,” she said. Clarke reached up and grabbed Lexa’s hand. 

“I’m still not mad at you,” Clarke said. “I will never be mad at you for this.” Lexa nodded. Clarke tapped Lexa’s nose. Lexa jerked back.

Clarke’s drug-addled brain could only make sense of a few things, and one of them was how goddamn adorable Lexa looked. 

She was in a green Grounders hoodie that was much too big for her. The hoodie string were in her mouth, hanging out of the side of her lips. Her hair hung in a wavy halo around her head, sticking up and everywhere from the humidity. Her cheeks were a little red, like she had been caught doing something embarrassing. 

“You’re cute,” said Clarke. Whoops. Lexa went even redder. “I’m really glad you’re here.” 

“I’m, uh, I’m glad I’m here too,” said Lexa. They sat in silence with Lexa stroking Clarke’s face.

“You’re a nice change of pace...it’s so boring,” said Clarke. 

“What do, um, you do when I’m not here?” Lexa asked. 

“Sleep,” said Clarke. “And lots of bad daytime TV.” Clarke grinned. 

“Are you doing therapy yet?” asked Lexa. Clarke shook her head.

“They want me to heal a little longer first,” she said. “I’m doing stretches and stuff. It hurts.” Lexa nodded. 

“I’m sorry,” said Lexa. Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Stop apologizing, Lex. It’s not your fault,” she said. She reached over and grazed Lexa’s cheek. 

“But isn’t that what you’re supposed to say?” asked Lexa. “When something bad happens, you have to say sorry.” It sounded like she was reciting something.

“You know you don’t always need to follow those rules,” said Clarke. Lexa shook her head. 

“If I don’t follow the rules I learned in OT, I’m doing it wrong,” Lexa said. Clarke sighed.

“Sometimes, you just need to say what feels right,” said Clarke. 

“Nothing ever feels right,” said Lexa. Clarke nodded. 

“I…” Clarke shook her head. “I’m sorry. Sometimes I forget how hard this is for you.” Lexa nodded.

“It’s okay,” said Lexa. She paused. Lexa looked anxiously between Clarke’s face and her hands.

“What are you thinking?” said Clarke. 

“Can I ask you a question?” said Lexa. Clarke nodded. 

“Of course,” said Clarke. Lexa hesitated. 

“Why don’t you get along with your mom?” she said. Clarke looked over at her. 

“How do you know about that?” said Clarke. Lexa shrugged. 

“It’s complicated,” said Clarke. She closed her eyes.

“How?” asked Lexa. 

“That means I don’t want to talk about it, Lexa,” said Clarke.

“Oh…are you mad at me?” asked Lexa. Clarke shook her head. 

“I’m just tired,” she said. Lexa bit her lip. 

“Do you want me to leave?” Clarke shook her head. 

“No,” she said. “I like it when you’re here. It makes it easier to relax with you here.” The tips of Lexa’s ears turned bright red. Clarke grinned and ran her hand over her jaw. Lexa’s eyes darted from Clarke’s face to her hand. Clarke’s eyes searched her soft, vulnerable face. Clarke ran her thumb over Lexa’s lips. Lexa squeezed her eyes shut.

“Are you okay?” asked Clarke. Lexa nodded. 

“I like it when you touch me like this,” she said. “But it’s…a lot.”

“Do you want me to stop?” asked Clarke. Lexa shook her head. 

“I haven’t felt things like this. I haven’t felt…” Lexa shook her head. “Since before everything happened with my caretaker.” Clarke smiled.

“I’m glad I make you feel like that,” said Clarke. “You make me feel good too.” Lexa leaned forward. Clarke ignored the twinge of pain in her hips. She slid her hand through Lexa’s hair. And finally, they kissed. 

Clarke couldn’t believe how right it felt. Everything fell into place. Clarke felt a lot of things for Lexa in that kiss. A lot of powerful things. And one of them might have been love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is totally random...but I just realized...and I can't unthink it...but...Tobin Heath and Christen Press (the USWNT players) are characterized the same was as Lexa and Clarke respectively...and Alex Morgan and Kelley O'Hara (the USWNT players) are characterized like Octavia and Raven respectively...It appears...that there are some good lesbian tropes...


	18. Clarke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke gets some news, and Lexa...reacts poorly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I know this has been my longest break...sorry. Thanks for all the comments and kudos. Gimme more please!

“Good Morning, princess,” said Raven. Clarke let out a low groan. She opened her eyes. Raven was sitting next to her, her bad leg propped up on a chair. “How do you feel?” Clarke groaned again and closed her eyes. “Your doctor came in earlier. She wants to talk to you.” 

“About what?” asked Clarke. Raven shrugged.

“I dunno. Doctor-patient confidentiality,” said Raven. “I told him to let you sleep.” Clarke nodded.

“Thanks,” said Clarke.

“You didn’t sleep that much yesterday, did you?” Raven wiggled her eyebrows. 

“What?” asked Clarke.

“Lexa?” Raven said. 

“Oh,” said Clarke. Then realization dawned on her. “Oh. It wasn’t like that.”

“Uh huh,” said Raven. She smirked. “I know you and little Woods have a thing. It’s okay. Everyone else knows too. We’re all cool with it. It’s cute.”

“I’m too high to be having this conversation,” said Clarke. She leaned back. “Call the doctor in.” Raven smiled even wider.

“Sure thing, Griff,” said Raven. “I’m glad you’re finally getting over Bellemy. He’s a tool.” Clarke raised an eyebrow at her. Raven limped out. Clarke closed her eyes. Her hips and pelvis ached, and her head throbbed. She put her hand across her stomach. She lifted the blanket up. She ran her fingers over the bandages. She studied the tubes peering from her abdomen. There was a large different between studying this and seeing it attached to you. 

The doctor walked in. Clarke looked up. The doctor smiled.

“Hello, Ms. Griffin,” he said. Clarke nodded. “So I’m going to get right to the point. You vitals have stabilized. We can take out the external fixators and place internal ones.”

“Thank God,” said Clarke. 

“We can do your surgery tomorrow,” said the doctor. 

“Really?” she asked. 

“Unless you want to spend the entire time with the external fixators in…” he joked.

“No, no way,” said Clarke. “Yeah, take this out.” The doctor smiled.

“I’ll have the nurse come and start working on your pre-op,” he said. “I’ll let you know when we have a time scheduled.” Clarke nodded. He walked out. 

Raven came back in with a fast food bag.

“Where did you get that?” asked Clarke. “The doctor just came in, like, five minutes ago.”

“Not important. What did the doctor say?” she asked. 

“I’m getting surgery to get the external fixator changed for an internal one,” she said.

“Won’t you able to start PT after that?” Raven said. Clarke nodded.

“Yeah. And I’ll get this stupid thing off of me,” said Clarke. She gestured to the fixator. Raven nodded.

“It’s too quiet without you at home,” Raven said. “I miss you, Grif.” Clarke smirked. 

“I miss you too, Rae,” she said. Clarke closed her eyes. “I’m gonna need to tell Lexa.”

“Not your mom?” asked Raven. Clarke shook her head. 

“We’ve been over this,” she said. She rubbed her forehead. Raven shook her head. 

“Do you want me to leave?” asked Raven. 

“I need to figure out how I’m gonna tell Lexa,” said Clarke. Raven shook her head. 

“Don’t worry about it, Clarke,” she said. “Lexa’s not a child.”

“No but she’s fragile,” said Clarke. “She’s been through so much…I don’t wanna stress her out.” Raven stares at her.

“You’re joking,” she said. “Lexa has lady balls of steel. She’s the bravest kid I know. She’ll want to help you.” Clarke nodded.

“You’re right…” She took a deep breath. Clarke grabbed her phone. 

Clarke: Hey Lexa do you feel like coming over today

She put her phone down. 

“You like that girl way too much,” said Raven.

“Probably,” said Clarke. 

“I’ve never seen you smitten like this before,” she said. 

“Smitten?” asked Clarke.

“Yes. Like a school girl,” said Raven. 

“Fuck off, Raven,” said Clarke. Her phone went off. Clarke flipped it over.

Lexa: I could join you in a half hour?

Lexa: Or sooner.

Lexa: If it’s urgent. 

Lexa: Is everything okay?

Clarke laughed and shook her head.

Clarke: Everything’s fine. I just want to talk. I’m bored.  
***  
Clarke blinked, and Lexa opened the door. 

“Clarke?” asked Lexa. Clarke smiled.

“Hey, baby,” said Clarke. She pushed herself up and winced.

“Are you mad at me?” The words tumbled out of Lexa’s mouth so fast, Clarke barely caught all of them.

“Mad? Why would I be mad, Lexa?” she asked. Lexa stared at her feet and shrugged. “No, Lex, why do you think I’m mad?”

“I kissed you…” Clarke shook her head.

“Come here,” she said. Lexa didn’t look up and stood in front of Clarke. “We kissed. I wanted to kiss you. I like you, Lexa Woods.” Lexa reached out and touched the raccoon. 

“When I was in the hospital after all the stuff that happened with my caretaker, I wanted soft stuff. Everything in the hospital is so itchy…” Lexa sighed. “The raccoon…Lexacoon…has a soft tail. It made me happy.” Clarke was shocked.

“Lexacoon was yours?” she asked. Lexa nodded. “I didn’t realize she was so special.” Lexa nodded. She looked up and almost made eye contact. 

“I think I like you too, Clarke Griffin.” Clarke beamed and pulled Lexa’s head to her chest. 

“Once I get out of here, I’m going to take you on a date,” said Clarke. “If you want.” Lexa nodded eagerly. “Good.” Clarke buried her face in Lexa’s hair. “There’s something important I have to tell you.” Lexa didn’t move. “I’m getting another surgery, to get an internal fixator…it’s tomorrow.” 

“I don’t like that,” said Lexa. Clarke bit back a grin.

“What?”

“What if something bad happens?” Lexa said.

“I can’t keep the external fixator forever,” said Clarke. “And in the end, the internal fixator has less complications.” Lexa nodded. 

“I don’t want you to do it. You’ll hurt. And you might not wake up,” said Lexa. 

“Lexa…” said Clarke. Lexa stepped back and shook her head.

“Clarke. I don’t want you to do it,” said Lexa. Her eyes darted around. She pulled the pen from her shirt pocket, but it slipped from her fingers and slid under Clarke’s bed. 

“Lexa, let me—”

“No…I-I can’t lose…I lost my cube…and my rugby…and I lost Costia for a long time…I can’t…” Lexa sniffled. She bolted for the door. 

“Lexa!” yelled Clarke. She leaned over the bed to try to grab the pen. It brushed against her fingers. “Damn it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear readers...I, er, have some news. If you haven't noticed, I updated the chapter number, and there are only two chapters left. I know, I know, I said I was going to do a lot more with this story, but I really feel like I can't make this longer right now. I also wanted to finish this before NaNoWriMo in Nov. So I found an ending that works pretty well, I think. 
> 
> Of course, I'm not dropping this off entirely. I do have a sequel planned, but it won't be until next year. I'm planning on doing some whumpy Clexa(and other) one/two-shots through December, so send me your prompts! 
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading this. It's been a wild ride.


	19. Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa worries about Clarke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments. And 1000 kudos wow! Shit, you guys have me speechless. It's weird to think that thousands of people have read my weird little fic I wrote in my dorm room in a little town in Midwestern, USA. Fanfiction has always felt like such a weird phenomenon to me, as a reader. It's even stranger as a writer. I'm glad I could give 1000 people something they liked to read. Anyway, comments and kudos are always appreciated. You guys are the best.

“Lexa!” Anya pounded on the door. “Goddammit. Lexa!” Anya twisted the doorhandle. “You’re not allowed to lock the door, Lex. Open up. I need to see that you’re okay.”

“I’m not okay,” mumbled Lexa from behind the door. Anya stopped pounding and slid down to her knees.

“What happened, Commander?” she asked. There was a long stretch of silence.

“Clarke’s having another surgery,” said Lexa. 

“Oh shit. What happened?” said Anya.

“Clarke is getting an internal fixator,” said Lexa.

“What?”

“The bars that are on the outside are going to be put on the inside. Well…actually it’s different bars ad materials since they’re going inside the body—”

“Why is that a bad thing?” said Anya.

“Why is what a bad thing?” asked Lexa.

“The surgery?” said Anya.

“She could die,” said Lexa. “According to heathland.com, death rates from general anesthesia are rising, about seven in every million. That doesn’t seem like a lot, but actually—”

“Lexa, she’ll be okay,” said Anya. Lexa let out a choked sob. 

“I don’t want her to die,” she said. There was a click of a lock. Anya pushed the door open and caught Lexa, right as she crumpled into a little ball. Anya slowly rocked her.

“Oh, Lexa, sunshine,” she murmured.

“I got m-mad at Clarke. I d-don’t want her to do this,” said Lexa in between sobs.

“You can’t make people’s decisions for them,” said Anya.

“But I don’t want her to do it,” whined Lexa. Anya shook her head.

“I know you’re scared, but it’s not your decision to make, Lexa. If you like someone, you have to support what they do, even if you don’t agree with it,” she said.

“That’s stupid,” said Lexa. Anya chuckled. 

“Yeah. It may feel that way sometimes, but you know you have to accept and listen to people you love, even when they’re opinion is different than yours,” said Anya. She paused. “Unless their opinion disrespects you as a person.” 

“This does disrespect me as a person! I can’t live without her,” said Lexa. Anya ran a hand through Lexa’s hair and shushed her. 

“I understand that you’re upset. But she’s still going to do it, and you’re going to be mad if you’re not there for her,” said Anya. Lexa sniffled. “When’s the surgery?”

“Tomorrow,” said Lexa. Anya nodded. 

“Text Clarke an apology and ask her what time the surgery is. We’ll stop and get her flowers before you see her,” said Anya. Lexa sniffled again.

“Thank you,” said Lexa. 

“No problem, Commander,” said Anya. Lexa pushed her face into Anya’s shoulder.

“But what if she dies, Anya?” asked Lexa. 

“Lexa, Clarke is the only person I’ve met more stubborn than you. Or me. Or Indra. Clarke will be fine,” she said. Anya rubbed Lexa’s shoulder and helped her to her feet. “And besides, you and Clarke can’t have sex if Clarke’s in a hip thing.” Lexa bit her lip.

“I think I would like to have sex with Clarke,” she said. “Clarke is nice and attractive. She smells good and her hair is soft.” Anya shook her head.

“What are we going to do with you?” Anya said. Lexa smiled. Anya grabbed a tissue and wiped her nose. She squeezed Lexa’s arm. “Lemme know what time Clarke’s surgery is.” Anya walked out.   
***  
Lexa looked over at her clock. 6:40. She groaned and rubbed her eyes. Lexa got up and walked downstairs into the kitchen to fill up a class of water. She heard music drift out from garage. Lexa stopped and walked over. Lincoln was punching a punching bag, angry music blaring from speakers. Lexa wandered into the room and walked over to him.

“Did I wake you?” asked Lincoln. Lexa shook her head. He paused his music. “What’s up, Lexa?” Lexa shrugged. “Worried about Clarke?” Lexa nodded. “She’s a fighter, Lex. She’s be okay.” Lexa nodded. “You don’t believe me, do you?” Lexa shook her head. Lincoln took a drink and put his arm around Lexa’s shoulders.

“You’re sweaty,” she said. Lincoln chuckled. He picked her up under her knees. She gripped onto his shirt. “Hey!” He switched the music to something slower. He started dancing around and swinging with her. “Put me down!”

“Remember when you first came here?” he said. “You were terrified of me. And one day, you were having a meltdown, so I turned on some jazz and…we danced!” 

“Linc…” Lexa whined. 

“Just relax,” he said. He swayed slowly. “You were so small then, before Anya got you all muscular. I could pick you up with one hand.”

“No, you couldn’t,” muttered Lexa. Lincoln shook his head.

“We’re all so proud of you, you know?” he said. “We’re so happy to have you and Anya in our lives.” Lexa didn’t say anything but clicked her tongue softly. “When are you heading over to the hospital?”

“8:15. Her surgery is at ten,” said Lexa. 

“Then you’ve still got plenty of time to sleep,” said Lincoln. 

“Can’t sleep,” mumbled Lexa. They swaying had calmed her nerves. Lincoln smiled. He carried her back up to her room. He was the last thing Lexa saw before she fell asleep.  
***  
Lexa stood, rocking back and forth, outside of Clarke’s room.

“C’mon, Commander, you can go in,” urged Anya. 

“What if she’s mad at me?” Lexa said.

“You won’t know unless you go in there,” said Anya. Lexa sighed and pushed open the door. 

“Clarke was sitting in bed, Octavia on one side, Raven on the other. 

“H-hi,” said Lexa. Clarke beamed.

“Hi, baby.” Warmth spread through Lexa’s chest. 

“I-I’m sorry I got mad…it’s just…you can’t die,” said Lexa. She shook her head. “You can’t.”

“I won’t,” said Clarke. “C’mere.” Lexa dragged her feet over right up to Clarke’s bedside. Clarke grabbed her hand. “Thank you for being here, Lex.” Clarke kissed the back of Lexa’s hand.

“I-I…you’re welcome?” said Lexa. Clarke smiled. Her other hand reached up and stroked Lexa’s face.

“Your jaw is so sharp…” Clarke glided her finger across Lexa’s cheek and neck. Lexa looked over at Octavia.

“They gave her a sedative,” she said. “Clarke’s fine. She’s just a little medicated.” Lexa nodded slowly. She reached up and cupped Clarke’s hand on her cheek. 

“I don’t like sedatives,” said Lexa. “They make me feel fuzzy.” Clarke smiled. 

“I feel great,” said Clarke. She shook her head and closed her eyes. Lexa looked down at the flowers.

“I got you flowers,” said Lexa. She held them out to Clarke. Octavia nodded and put them in a vase next to Clarke’s bed. Watching Clarke lay in bed like this made Lexa’s stomach churn. Octavia out a hand on Lexa’s shoulder. She put her face by Lexa’s ear. 

“She’s okay, Commander,” said Octavia. “She’ll be fine.” Blood rushed behind Lexa’s ears. Her whole body tingled. Octavia could tell. 

“Hey, Clarke,” Octavia said. “Lexa and I are gonna get some air, okay?” Clarke’s forehead creased.

“You okay, Lexa?” she asked. Lexa tried to fight the fog in her mind. She eventually had the clarity to nod. 

“Yeah, Lexa’s fine,” said Octavia, ushering Lexa out. “She’s just a little thrown off from her routine.” Octavia pushed Lexa out the door and shut it behind them. She threw her arms around Lexa’s belly and pressed her front to Lexa’s back. 

“Deep breaths,” said Octavia. “In and out. Slowly. You’re okay, Lexa. Clarke gonna be okay.” Lexa let out a small sob. A nurse looked over. Octavia shot her a glare. Lexa gripped Octavia’s arm, and Octavia shushed her. “Easy, Lex. Easy.” Octavia squeezed her stomach. 

“I c-can’t…”said Lexa. A blonde woman walked into Lexa’s view. She pulled Lexa’s hood up.

“Octavia, do you think this would help?” she asked.

“Probably.” A weighted blanket was draped over Lexa’s shoulders.

After a minute, the darkness faded away from the edges of Lexa’s vision. 

“Clarke’s mom?” asked Lexa. Abby smiled at her.

“Call me Abby, dear,” said Abby. Lexa nodded. “Are you scared for Clarke?” Lexa nodded. “I am too. I’m a doctor. I know all the things that could go wrong. But know what I do know. This surgery is pretty low-risk. Clarke’s vitals are good. And she’s so strong. She’ll be fine.” Lexa nodded slowly. They stood there in silence as Lexa rocked back and forth. 

“Better?” asked Abby. Lexa nodded. Abby chewed her lip. “Would you like to be with Clarke while she goes to sleep?” Lexa nodded. Abby smiled. “Okay. The nurse will get you when she gets Clarke.” Lexa nodded. Abby turned to walk away.

“A-Abby…” said Lexa. Abby stopped. “Thank you. If Clarke asks, tell her I love her.” Lexa nodded and Abby walked away.

Lexa walked back in the room. She ran up to Clarke and hugged her. Clarke put her nose in Lexa’s shoulder.

“D’aww,” said Raven. Octavia wacked Raven on the back of the head. 

“Be quiet.” 

Lexa didn’t know for how long they stayed there.

“Clarke. It’s time to go down for surgery.” A nurse walked in. “And Lexa? You can come too.” Clarke looked up at Lexa in shock.”

“How…” asked Clarke. Lexa shrugged.

“Don’t worry about it,” said Lexa. Clarke smiled. 

Lexa held her hand as Clarke was pushed down the hall. They stopped in a small room that wasn’t an OR.

“Why…?” asked Lexa.

“They can’t let you in the OR,” said Clarke. “So they’re going to put me to sleep here.” Lexa nodded. The nurse put the brakes on the bed. 

“The anesthesiologist will be right in,” said the nurse. Lexa and Clarke sat there.

“Your mom said she loves you,” said Lexa.

“Did she do this?” asked Clarke. Lexa nodded. Clarke closed here eyes.

“You’re crying,” said Lexa softly. Clarke shook her head.

“Sorry,” said Clarke. Lexa shook her head.

“Don’t be sorry.” The anesthesiologist walked in and started setting up the meds. Lexa looked over at them. 

“I can’t wait until you’re better,” said Lexa. “I’ll even go to a restaurant on a date.” Clarke chuckled.

“Alright,” said the anesthesiologist. “We’re going to start now.” Clarke leaned forward. Lexa gave her a chaste kiss. Clarke smiled.

“Have a nice nap,” said Lexa. Clarke chuckled. The anesthesiologist pressed a mask over her face. 

“Count backwards from ten,” he said. 

“Ten…” mumbled Clarke. Her eyes darted over Lexa. She smiled at her. “Nine…eight…seven…s-six…” Clarke’s eyes fluttered. And they closed. Lexa brushed back a strand of hair and laid a gentle kiss on Clarke’s forehead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey dudes. Hope you liked it. Only one chapter left. If you guys have any (preferably fluffly/angst/whumpy Clexa (or almost any popular wlw ship) prompt you want someone to try to tackle, hit me up. I'll do maybe one or two before the end of Oct. I might do a few in Nov and Dec. After finals in Dec, I'll start on bigger things again. (You might get a surprise x-mas present from me in the form of the first chap of the sequal, who knows ;P) . I'll also go back to periodically updating Numb and Broken, my less popular (although in my opinion, slightly more well written) fic. If you like my writing style, I'd love it if you guys could check it out. Anyway, thanks for reading!!!


	20. Lexa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's surgery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it. The end. I want to thank you guys so much for reading. This was a wild ride. Thanks for this. So much. I know I'm saying thanks too much, but all this meant so much to me. 
> 
> I'm going to write a few one/two shots, and I'll be back with this in the new year. I'll also be writing more of my fanfic "Numb and Broken" so check that out, please. Comments and kudos are always appreciated. 
> 
> And hey, thanks.

Lexa put a hand on Raven’s knee. 

“Stop shaking,” Lexa muttered. Raven shook her head and chuckled.

“I’m nervous, Lexa,” said Raven. 

“Me too,” said Lexa. She took her hand off of Raven’s leg. “But I’m not shaking things. Stop shaking things.” Raven opened her mouth to argue, but Octavia cut her a look. Raven shut her mouth. 

“It’s way too early for you guys to be acting like this,” Anya said. They four of them were sitting in the waiting room. Lexa was in the middle of Octavia and Raven. Anya was in the row across from them. Anya interlocked her fingers behind her head and leaned back. She tried to keep her face and body relaxed, for Lexa’s sake. “She’s only ben in there a half hour. They probably haven’t even started yet.” 

“The surgery should take about two hours,” said Lexa. She was rocking back and forth just enough that it didn’t shake the row of chairs. Lexa pulled her hood back over her head. 

“I want my cube,” said Lexa. Anya sighed.

“Indra’s working on getting your stupid happy square back,” said Anya. Lexa nodded. 

“Cube,” she mumbled. “Cube. Cube. Cube. Cube. Cube. Cube.” She started clicking her pen. 

“And bouncing my leg was annoying,” said Raven. Octavia shot her another glare. “Don’t pretend it’d not.” 

“I can hear you,” said Lexa. “’M not deaf.” 

“You gonna stop?” asked Raven. Lexa shook her head. 

“Cube. Cube. Cube. Cube,” said Lexa. Anya rubbed her face. 

“I’m gonna get some coffee,” said Anya. She got up and squeezed Lexa’s shoulder. “I’ll be right back.” Lexa, Raven, and Octavia at in silence. 

Raven and Octavia looked up at footsteps.

“Octavia, Raven, it’s nice to see you,” said Abby. 

“Abby,” said Raven. “What are you doing here?” Lexa looked over at her. Raven didn’t seem mad. She wasn’t frowning. Octavia, on the other hand, had a weird look on her face. Lexa looked back down. Abby walked up in front Lexa and knelt down.

“Hi, Lexa,” she said gently. “I think I found something you’ve been missing.” Lexa glanced up.

“Cube?” she said. The fidget cub sat in the center of Abby’s palm. Lexa reached out and grabbed it. “Where did you find it?”

“It must have fallen out of your hand when they brought you in. It was in in one of the rooms of the ED,” she said. Lexa nodded.

“Thank you,” she said quietly. Abby smiled at her. 

“You’re welcome,” she said.

“Do you know how Clarke is doing?” said Lexa. Abby shook her head. 

“She’s still in surgery,” said Abby. Lexa nodded. 

“Thank you,” she said. “For everything.” Abby smiled at her.

“You’re welcome, Lexa,” she said. She reached into her pocket. “If you need anything, call me.” She handed Lexa her card. 

“Thank you,” said Lexa again. Abby smiled and squeezed her hand. She looked over at Octavia and Raven. 

“it was nice to see you girls,” she said. She got up and left. Lexa stared at the business card. Then at the cube.

“Wow,” she said. She looked between Raven and Octavia. “Clarke’s mom is nice.”  
***  
Anya was sprawled across three chairs, snoring softly. Raven was tinkering with her knee brace. Octavia was playing with a rugby ball that came from who-knows-where. And Lexa sat up completely straight, rolling the parts of the fidget cube in her hand. 

“It’s been two hours,” said Lexa. Octavia looked over.

“They didn’t say exact,” she said. “And sometimes it takes a minute for them to come out and talk to the family.” Lexa grimaced.

“I don’t like it,” she said. Octavia reached over and rubbed her knee. Lexa moved her knee away. “No.” Octavia leaned back. She reached out and booped Lexa on the nose with the ball. Lexa made a face.

“Loosen up, Lexa,” said Raven. “Clarke is going to be fine.” 

“Leave her alone,” said Octavia. Lexa clicked her tongue. Anya groaned. 

The double doors opened, and a doctor walked out. Raven stood up.

“Family of Clarke Griffin?” he said. 

“That’s us,” said Rave. Lexa looked up. The doctor gave them all a warm smile.

“Clarke is a real trooper. She’s resting comfortably,” he said. “The surgery went very smoothly. We saw some problems with her previous bladder repair, but we fixed those easily.”

“Can I see her?” asked Lexa. 

“When can we see her?” said Raven. 

“A nurse is getting her settled now,” said the doctor. “I’ll send someone to get you once she’s out of recover.”

“How long?” asked Lexa. 

“Not more than an hour,” he said. Lexa groaned and fell back.

“Johnathan!” Abby had come out of nowhere again. “You can let them in.”

“Abby?” said the doctor, surprised. 

“Johnathan, please,” she said. “Just send them in one at a time.” The doctor sighed.

“Alright,” he said. “This way.” Lexa sprung up first. The doctor lead Lexa, Octavia, and Raven down the hall. “She’ll still probably be asleep. It takes people a little while to wake up from anesthesia.” Lexa glanced over at Octavia. 

“Do you want to go first, Lexa?” she asked. Lexa nodded.

“Please,” she said. They stopped outside the door.

“The recovery room isn’t private. I’ll take one of you down to where she is at a time,” said the doctor. Raven nudged Lexa forward.

“Uh, I-I’m going first,” she said. The doctor smiled at her in took her in. 

Lexa tried not to look at the other people in the other beds. She was only here for Clarke. Clarke.

The doctor stopped and pulled back a curtain. 

“I’ll be back in ten minutes,” he said. Lexa nodded. She dragged her feet behind the curtain.

Clarke looked so incredibly small. The bed seemed so big. She had IVs and tubes and wires everywhere that Lexa could see. There was a nurse at her side, pulling a blanket around her. She smiled at her.

“Are you Lexa?” asked the nurse. Lexa nodded.

“When she woke up, she was asking for you,” said the nurse. Lexa’s eyebrows creased.

“She already woke up?” asked Lexa. The nurse nodded.

“She’ll wake up again soon,” she said. Lexa nodded. The nurse pulled over a stool. “You can sit next to her if you want.” Lexa nodded again and sat down. The nurse pushed her closer. Lexa reached out for Clarke’s hand and looked at the nurse. “You can hold her hand.” Lexa intertwined her fingers. “Press this button if you need me.” She pointed to something on the table. Lexa nodded a third time. The nurse walked out.

Lexa stared at Clarke’s face. She reached back and brushed hairs from Clarke’s face.

“Hi, Clarke,” she said. “I know it hasn’t been long, but I miss you. Lots.” Lexa gulped. “I’m sorry I doubted you. I know you needed this. You need to get better. You have your own things you want, and I need to respect that. That’s what Anya said, anyway.” Lexa rolled parts of the cube. “Your mom is nice. I know stuff with her is complicated, but I hope you and her can make it better.” Lexa sniffled. “She made sure I got to see you, and she brought me my cube back.” Lexa rubbed small circles on the back of Clarke’s hand. 

“I want to get to know you more, Clarke,” Lexa said. “I want…I want to date you. I want to go out with you. I want you to get better and to help me…be better and stuff.” Lexa pressed her nose into the back of Clarke’s hand. 

“I…want to get better too,” Clarke croaked. She opened her eyes. “And I want to date you too. I have…” Clarke swallowed. “The perfect…place for a date. But can I have some w-water first…”


	21. NOT A CHAPTER

Just published the first chapter of the sequel. Just hit next and check it out.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!!!


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